5 Things People Who Don’t Flip Out When They Get Mad Do Differently, Says Psychiatrist
Jacob Lund | ShutterstockAll of us have the experience of facing someone who frustrates us to no end. You can feel the tension rising within your body, and, eventually, when your frustration and tolerance of this tension reaches a pitch that you cannot bear, you flip out in anger. Then you say and do things you subsequently regret. Finally, you end up being the one who has to apologize and make amends.
Other times, you find yourself in a situation where you're trying to please or satisfy someone who frustrates you or hurts you emotionally. You try to suppress your feelings for fear of losing that person’s love or attention. People who don't flip out when they get mad know how the frustration, anger, and the concomitant inability to express anger can cause great stress, so they don't succumb to these feelings and break down emotionally or physically.
5 things people who don’t flip out when they’re mad do differently:
1. They get it out
The prevailing pop psychology of our time says that there's lots of unconscious and deep-seated anger in all of us. The experts encourage us to vent that anger and be ourselves.
We're also told that the more we vent our feelings, the better we will feel. But this isn't entirely true. Empirical research has established that venting anger doesn't really achieve much. In fact, the more a person vents, the more angry he is likely to be. Beyond a certain point, the more you express your anger, the worse you become — until the venting stops completely. So by all means vent, but at some point you must let it go.
2. They get (appropriately) physical
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Exercise can help settle angry feelings. Try throwing or hitting a ball, smashing eggs, or kicking a punching bag. Or set up a game of tennis or racquetball with a friend (just not the one you're angry at). One study showed rowing is especially useful for letting go of intense anger, but even taking a walk or swimming can help too.
3. They talk it out
Sometimes our anger is heightened because we think we're being short-changed emotionally — whether that's by being taken advantage of or being hurt by someone's actions. A study of the experience and expression of anger suggested the solution is to speak up and let others know when you've been hurt. Give the offender the benefit of the doubt that their action wasn't intended to harm, but also understand that you may have hurt them in some way.
Your objective isn't to blame but rather to inform so (hopefully) they can stop behaving in a way that made you frustrated and angry. If indeed the behavior is unintentional, it will cease, and you'll both start communicating better.
If there's more to it than that, you should ask directly if you've done something to cause ill feelings. From there, you can openly discuss whether the situation can be resolved and how best to do that.
4. They reach out to people they trust
There's more to this than just getting others on your side. (If you did this, you'd eventually lose all your friends!) When you're face-to-face with an angry person, your natural tendency is to recoil and to draw back from more contact. Expecting others to tolerate this is a challenge, one that people who truly love you are usually willing to deal with.
They'll provide a fresh set of eyes and ears that'll help you feel less threatened. (This is especially so where anger is experienced as a part of daily life.) By being with supportive friends or loved ones and enjoying activities with them, your confidence and self-esteem will be restored. They'll also help you explore ways of solving and resolving the conflict.
5. They change their thinking — or their situation
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Changing your thinking about what has made you angry helps you redefine the situation so you'll no longer feel stressed by it. Research on productive expression of anger supported that the most effective way of dealing with angry feelings is to change the meaning we give to them. That is, to somehow stop the situation from feeling like a threat to your well-being.
If someone is frustrating you at work, one way to cope is to just humor and tolerate them. This is important if you're looking to achieve your professional goals. Are you encouraging your co-worker's bad behavior? Maybe. But are you really in a position to influence his behavior? And if you are, would you get the outcome you want?
However, if you're dealing with someone closer to you, say a friend or relative, who refuses to change his behavior, then you may need to end the relationship or severely limit contact. It's helpful to focus on how much you're getting out of a relationship, given what you have invested in it, instead of who's won or lost.
Acknowledge that you have the choice to take control of your behavior and feelings. This shift will allow you to handle your anger more positively and to live more harmoniously with the people in your life.
It's not surprising that anger has been called the misunderstood emotion because its effect is almost always opposite to that which we intended. Anger is so uncomfortable because if you express it, you run the risk of destroying a relationship you value. Yet, if you suppress your anger, you may end up damaging your own mental and physical health.
Dr. Douglas Kong is a retired psychiatrist who specialized in stress management, psychological treatment, and self-help.
