11 Things People Do When They're So Secretly Jealous Of You They Can't Stand It
Krakenimages.com | ShutterstockIf you don't immediately pick up on the signs that someone is jealous of you but is trying to hide it, there's a good chance you may not realize it until it's too late.
Jealousy damages relationships. No one would argue with that. But it can also hurt the person who is targeted. Someone feeling jealous of you not only drains their energy, but yours too. In fact, their feelings of inadequacy can inadvertently even make you feel bad about yourself. That's why it's so important to recognize the signs when they aren't obvious.
Here are the signs someone is so secretly jealous of you that they can't stand it:
1. They try to subtly copy you
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Imitation is said to be the most sincere form of flattery, unless the imitator is doing it in secret. If they're trying to hide their jealousy, they will basically see your life as the blueprint for what they want their own to be.
Jealousy is a powerful emotion, and often not in a good way. Wellness writer Eleesha Lockett, MS, explained, "When someone allows their envy to influence their behavior and personality, it can affect their relationships with the people around them. Recognizing the characteristics of envy — whether in someone else or yourself — is the first step in learning how to appropriately handle this difficult (and sometimes hurtful) emotion."
If you notice someone copying you by dressing similarly or going after a comparable job, there's a good chance they're jealous of you. In fact, it's almost certain. Someone else trying to model their life after yours is a big red flag, and one of the most obvious signs of jealousy. Pay close attention so you can pick up on this, even if it's subtle.
2. They're always one-upping you
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Another sure sign that someone is secretly jealous of you is if they are always trying to one-up you. If you get a new car, so do they. If you go after a promotion, they do too. If you find a new partner, they'll suddenly lose their single status as well.
Communications expert Tim O'Brien recommended taking a suggestion from Stephen Covey's book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" if you find yourself in this situation. Develop a win-win mindset, O'Brien said, explaining, "It's a philosophy of how to treat others so that no matter the situation where you are dealing with at least one other person, you both come away with a mutual benefit."
Instead of trying to one-up the one-upper, consider how you can both benefit from the situation and try to make that happen. This won't stop the other person from trying to one-up you, but it may just show them that you are above this kind of pettiness and are not going to participate, no matter what they do.
3. They talk about you behind your back
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Everyone gets jealous from time to time, but if someone is willing to let their jealousy overtake who they are as a person, then chances are they're not really your friend. One example of this would be when jealousy drives them to talk about you behind your back. Letting some hurtful things slip to others, whether they're true or fictional, is not okay.
Clinical psychologist Randi Gunther, PhD, shared that there are rare situations in which talking about someone behind their back may be helpful, like when they need help from a mental health professional.
However, she suggested that you always evaluate this talk you engage in with one question: "If it gets out that I've done this, what will be the likely fallout?" If what you've done would be hurtful to the person you're talking about and isn't benefiting them in any way, then there's a good chance that you're just doing so out of jealousy.
When someone else wants what you have, it can be tempting for them to gossip about you with another person who might even feel the same way. But being talked about behind your back, unless it's going to help you in some way, is never okay. Don't let their words get to you.
4. They don't celebrate your achievements
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When something exciting happens in your life, the appropriate response is for others to congratulate you or even celebrate with you. When someone makes a point of not celebrating your accomplishments with you, it is probably because they are jealous of them. Why would they want to celebrate the achievements that they believe should be their own?
Friendship expert Shasta Nelson addressed this very topic, revealing, "Once you acknowledge, label and validate your emotions, let them guide you to explore the motivations and fears driving them." Nelson recommended that the jealous person try to get to the root of their emotions and figure out just why they're feeling that way. It may be deeper than they realize.
If someone refuses to celebrate your achievements, they're jealous of whatever it is you have. However, as one could conclude from Nelson's suggestion, jealousy can sometimes be understandable. Try not to be too hard on whoever it is that refuses to share your joy, unless it has become a real problem.
5. They distance themselves from you
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If you find that a friend is slowly but surely pushing away from you and the relationship that you have, it's possible they're doing it because they're jealous of you. Seeing the wonderful life you have, or at least they perceive that you have, is hurtful for them and reminds them of everything they're not. This may sound ridiculous as your life is likely far from perfect, but it may not appear that way to someone on the outside.
Therapist and licensed counselor Afton Turner noted, "Jealousy can often cause communication problems, decrease trust, increase resentment, and create an unbalanced relationship. This may cause emotional distance in the friendship." A friend distancing themselves is never a fun thing to experience, but it may be necessary if they feel really jealous.
It's possible that whatever your friend sees in your life is just too hurtful for them to be a part of. Instead of sticking by your side, they need to back away so they have some space to themselves to figure out what they want for their life and how they can achieve that.
6. They try to get closer to you
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On the flip side, one of the more glaring signs that someone is secretly jealous of you is that they are trying to get even closer to you. They could see losing your friendship as a threat and want to maintain the relationship you have. It's quite possible that your time and attention are what they're really jealous of, and they're willing to do anything to hold on to those things.
Robin Stern, PhD, associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, explained that it's easy to feel jealous when someone fears losing a relationship that matters to them. This could be a reason a friend would actually cling closer instead of pulling away when they're jealous. If they're worried about losing you, it would be natural for them to try to stay as close to you as possible.
7. They're overly nice
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If someone feels jealous of you but is trying to hide it, they might just act sickly sweet towards you. It's a way to get closer to you and learn more about the life they envy so much. It's also a way for them to get on your good side and cover up any jealousy that you may be starting to suspect.
According to psychotherapist Richard Zwolinski, this could potentially be a good thing because it will give you the chance to discuss what's going on. "If you find out you're the subject of jealousy or envy before damage is done, talking might clear the air," he said. "Certainly you have the right to confront someone."
He further pointed out that jealousy can truly turn dangerous in some cases, so it's better to deal with it before it goes that far.
8. They're judgmental of you and your actions
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If someone is judgmental towards you, it could mean that they are jealous. While there are many reasons someone might pass judgment, one of the biggest is jealousy. If someone sees another person who has everything they want, judging them is an easy way to make themselves feel better, as bad as that may sound.
Licensed counselor Julie Dodson explained why, revealing, "This feeling of inadequacy or longing can sometimes manifest as negative judgments towards the person we envy, as a way to cope with our own feelings of insufficiency or dissatisfaction."
So that person doesn't focus on all the things they think are wrong with their own life, they may spend their time judging you to fill the void they feel. It makes them feel better about themselves and gives them a chance to feel worse about you, which they probably want, to be quite honest.
9. They exclude you from things you would normally be a part of
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If someone close to you isn't including you in things like they normally would, it's one of the clearest signs they're so jealous of you they can't stand it. Whatever this looks like for your specific friendship and situation, they probably think they're doing a pretty good job of hiding the jealousy. After all, why would you connect that to them excluding you?
Turner noted that a jealous person excluding a friend because of envy could look like anything from not inviting you to a party to creating a group text with other friends that you aren't part of. This is most likely to happen when things are going well for you because they hate to see it.
Your friend may see this exclusion as a form of punishment for whatever it is they have perceived you have done wrong — which is, of course, nothing, unless succeeding is suddenly a personal offense. Excluding you may be the only way they know of to get back at you for living the life they think should be theirs.
10. They disappear when you're at the top of your game
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The time that someone is most likely to be jealous of you is, naturally, when everything is going well. If they see you thriving when they feel as though they're barely surviving, it will sting all the more. You deserve people who will support you in all stages of your life and be there through the ups and downs. If someone disappears on you when you're at a high point, they're not really your friend.
Resnick said, "You might notice jealous behavior when good things happen to you — which makes perfect sense, as we're all more likely to feel envious when someone else gets something we wish we had." Turner also noted that this is when a friend is most likely to turn their back on you.
This behavior is downright rude. It's horrible to be someone's friend only when you feel comfortable being around them because they aren't doing as well. If you find your friendships following this pattern, it's probably time to move on from them.
11. They romanticize your life
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We're all familiar with the social media trend of romanticizing your life. The trend encourages people to do that for their own lives, and generally doesn't comment on your feelings about other people's lives. However, you may find people who are jealous of you applying this idealization to your life instead of their own.
Counselor Araya Baker, M.Phil.Ed., had an interesting perspective on the issue: "Those who assume your life and success have been effortless usually never get as happy for you as you'd expect, because, to begin with, they can't see what's notable about your accomplishments, growth or progress." Baker also noted that these same people often feel "ashamed" of their own lives.
If someone is jealous of you, they will simultaneously think your life is perfect and that it took almost no work to get to that point. They don't see your success for what it really is, and they can't manage to grasp reality when they think about your life. All they see is what's going right.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor's degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
