3 Rare Habits Of People With Unusually Exceptional Boundaries
Toa Heftiba | UnsplashLife almost dares us to establish good boundaries without appearing selfish. Social obligations and family life can make it seem you need to be constantly selfless and forever giving, as if you can self-replenish without ever taking a break.
We often confuse being nice with feeling like a martyr, and then we get caught in mixed messages: "Take the bull by the horns, it's all me or nothing," and "Be the ever-pouring cup never needing to be refilled" come from both sides of the same mouth inside our minds. Our heads are torn between placing ourselves at the center and being a never-ending source of help for others. Both choices can be exhausting, and feeling stuck in the middle is worse.
Yet, research has shown that one habit of people with unusually exceptional boundaries is the guilt-free, fear-free ability to say no. They can say no to a wide variety of people in a multiplicity of settings. When they are asked to do something they do not want to do, they know when and how to express a boundary. Let's call this the ability to be “selfist”. Far from selfish but no longer completely selfless, you could also consider it self-advocating.
Here are 3 rare habits of people with unusually exceptional boundaries:
1. People with exceptional boundaries set limits on what they'll carry for other people
Life is complicated, and someone with exceptional boundaries has to be a magician or the ultimate strategist. There is a difference between dropping everything to help someone in crisis and being called once again to pick up someone else's slack because they "Oops, I forgot."
If you are a mother, particularly a good mother of younger children, your job involves doing myriad things that are difficult, unpleasant, physically exhausting, or energy-sapping. So your boundaries with your kids have to be penetrable. And your life partner has needs, too, and has to be factored in.
Being “selfist” also involves setting important boundaries on the demands being put on you by people outside the family. When the various demands on you start to blend, research explains that you're more likely to burn out. Maintaining healthy habits like eating well and exercising helps manage this stress, but when you need to do these self-maintenance activities the most is when you are less likely to do them consistently. To be happier and healthier, you must strategize how to set clear boundaries to allow time for "selfist" activities.
2. They don't sacrifice themselves just to be liked or respected
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Sometimes, the wish to be loved or respected by many people in your wider community makes it feel foolhardy or risky to set boundaries. But if you don’t factor your own needs in, you are opening the door to an existential crisis. Eventually, you will get burned out and continually feel trapped by people or organizations who convince you they cannot exist without your efforts and presence. Then you start dreading your own life.
Research has suggested that social demands might control how you manage your personal time. Because of your dedication to serving other people, you lose any time to relax. The issue compounds when you mix dedication to family and social obligations.
Maintaining boundaries is more challenging for people in highly visible social roles. They might see boundaries as foolish since they could lose out on an opportunity or be misjudged socially. The demands placed in the view of the public can trap them in a feeling where having any boundaries is difficult. The wisdom is knowing when to make the "selfist" choice, not the foolish one.
3. People with exceptional boundaries don't ignore their own feelings just to keep the peace
If you have a problem being more "selfist", try doing some journaling to understand yourself better. Pay particular attention to your fears of what will happen if you say no in situations where it is difficult to do so.
Researchers have found that having a strong connection with yourself is vital for staying happy and healthy. While this sounds like being mindful or authentic, self-connection is specifically about how you treat and understand your thoughts and connect with your feelings.
Journaling can be one way to feel more satisfied with establishing boundaries in your life. By finding time to write about yourself, you get more connected to your feelings and thoughts, and are more aware of which boundaries can be flexible. This self-awareness lets you know better when and how to hold a boundary.
Life doesn't have to be hard if you set healthy limits without feeling selfish. Social pressure can convince us to be constantly giving and selfless, acting as if we never need a break to recharge. Becoming a little more "selfist" can help when you are far too kind to ever be selfish.
Aline P. Zoldbrod, Ph.D., is an award-winning author, psychologist, therapist, and couple counselor.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
