Verbally & Emotionally Defensive People Almost Always Say 6 Phrases In Casual Conversation

It's never easy dealing with people who are verbally and emotionally defensive. They're not interested in a calm discussion. They're more focused on dominating the room, and being in control is their top priority.

You feel like you have to walk on eggshells around them, never truly knowing where their head is at and when they're going to lash out at you. If you're unsure and thinking you're just sensitive, pay attention to the phrases they use when they are casually conversing because that's a dead giveaway that they're toxic and it's not you.

Phrases verbally and emotionally defensive people use when they are talking casually:

1. 'That never happened. I don't know what you're talking about.'

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Denial is the name of the game for these folks. They would rather make you feel crazy for reacting to the situation that they caused instead of taking accountability for their actions. 

They're just not interested in validating your feelings. Accountability would mean owning up to what they did and the uncomfortable feelings that come with it, which they'd rather avoid at all costs if they can.

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2. 'You have no idea who you're dealing with.'

Posturing is another form of verbal and emotional defensiveness. When a person is simply trying to make themselves appear bigger than they are, they're likely going to respond to perceived slights with cheap threats.

Context is key to understanding whether they're actually dangerous. Pay attention to their body language, what you know about their reputation, and if they actually have a history of following through on their threats. 

3. 'Do that again and I'll tell everyone your secrets.'

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Often, defensive people's perception of the situation doesn't actually align with the other person's intent. They're much more likely to escalate the situation to an intense degree, upping the stakes to gain social leverage on the other person.

Using a phrase like this, which is clearly emotional blackmail, is a key tactic of coercion. When this happens, it's no longer about setting boundaries. It's literally about getting back at the person no matter the cost. That's extremely destructive, and it's best to just avoid the person if you can.

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4. 'Yeah, well, no one invited you here.'

There's something so viciously cruel when someone tells you that you're not welcome, or any variation of making you feel like you're not part of the in-group. Social exclusion and singling out an individual are ways defensive people deflect negative attention from themselves and onto someone else.

It's really just building themselves up by tearing you down. Obviously, it might be a different story if you really weren't invited and are stirring up trouble. But when you're just trying to fit in, and someone calls you out in a negative way, it says a lot more about them than it does about you.

5. 'Sounds more like a you problem.'

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By dodging accountability, defensive people let you deal with your hurt feelings alone rather than try and hash it out together, even if they're the cause of your pain. If even after being called out for their harmful actions they still don't budge or take accountability, it's likely because they're too self-absorbed to care enough.

They just don't care about self-reflecting to spare your feelings in the future. They care more about preserving their fabricated self-image than dealing with someone who they deem unworthy of their attention or perceive as lower than themselves. 

6. 'Alright, you can go now.'

Last but certainly not least, if a verbally and emotionally defensive person is checked out of a conversation, they themselves are not going to leave the room. No, they'd much rather gain the satisfaction of watching you leave the room at their command.

This is because they feel much more comfortable telling others what to do than they are focusing on what they can't control. Ultimately, we can only control ourselves, so it's best to just walk out of the room if you truly feel done with a conversation. However, defensive people genuinely get a rush from feeling like they have gained control over another person through their words.

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Luke Aliga is a writer with a degree in Technical Writing and Communication who covers relationships, culture, astrology, and human interest topics.