People Who Seem Effortlessly Cool In Groups Almost Always Use 4 Simple Phrases
Narissa De Villiers | UnsplashIn 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General declared loneliness a public health epidemic, with about one in two American adults reporting that they experience loneliness. We're more digitally connected than ever and somehow more isolated, which means that the moments when we're actually in a room with other people matter more than they used to. The anxiety around group conversations is very real, too.
Navigating large groups and working a room comfortably is not easy, but it can be learned. And like anything, practice and a few insider tips certainly help. A woman on TikTok named Victoria posted a video of herself in expert-level yoga poses while sharing her advice for how to interact with people in group conversations.
Knowing what to say, how to hold your own, how not to accidentally make things weird? Overwhelming. What makes Victoria's breakdown so useful is that these aren't performance tricks or ways to seem cooler than you are. They're genuinely kind moves that make the people around you feel more at ease.
People who seem effortlessly cool in groups almost always use four surprisingly simple phrases:
1. 'You were saying...'
As she twisted and turned, stretching into various poses, the woman’s first suggestion for how to be cool in a group is to be the "you were saying" person. She explained that when someone is in the middle of saying something, and there’s an interruption, when the interruption is over, "the ‘you were saying’ person will say just that to the person speaking, so they can continue their story.”
A major aspect of being this person is showing genuine interest in the conversation topic, actively listening, and engaging people in conversation.
In the same family as the "you were saying" person is the "stay with me person." Victoria detailed that “Your opportunity to be this person is when someone is telling a story, and there are lots of different conversations happening at once, and people gradually drop off in listening to the story. The ‘stay with me’ person does not drop off.”
High-quality listening supports deeper connection and a stronger sense of feeling seen in the person talking, making them feel more understood and more authentically themselves, one study found. Being the person who pulls someone back into the conversation is one of the most connecting things you can do in a big group.
2. 'To be fair...'
A. C. / Unsplash+
Victoria explained the next archetype for flowing conversation while in a full split, saying that the chance to be this person comes up when people are gossiping or speaking ill of another person who’s not present in the group.
“Maybe it’s a little bit valid,” she said. “There are valid criticisms of this person’s behavior. But you see it turning into a little bit of a dog-piling situation.”
She advised interjecting to say, “To be fair,” before giving “a more balanced take on the situation,” whatever it may be. “In my experience, this is so effective at getting the conversation going in a more compassionate direction,” she explained. “People do not like an insinuation that they’re being mean.”
Her tactic seems like a good way to offer people a chance to take a step back and be more empathetic to whoever they’re discussing. Career consultant Dr. Ruth Schimel agrees, stating that choosing an empathetic response goes a long way to acknowledging how others feel about someone before sharing your own take. "Jumping straight to your own perspective without that acknowledgment tends to close people down rather than open them up," Schimel explained.
3. 'What do you mean by that?'
For a situation in which “ someone is being subtly rude to someone else who’s present,” Victoria suggests asking kindly for elaboration. If someone is “saying something shady,” just ask, “What do you mean by that?” as a way to gain clarification on what, exactly, they mean.
Her suggestion is a non-confrontational way to call someone out for being unkind to someone else. Couples counselor Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, points out that subtle unkindness often comes as a throwaway remark the speaker hopes you won't react to, which is exactly why a calm question is so disarming.
4. Bring up a positive fact about someone's life
Salman Sidheek / Unsplash
She explained that being the "forget-me-not" person takes a little bit of preparation, in the form of peeking at people’s social media, to “take note of any positive life changes,” like getting a new job or taking a cool trip.
“Be the first person to bring it up in conversation,” she explained while moving into cobra pose. “People love to talk about cool things that are going on with them, but they don’t want to bring it up.”
She ended the video holding her small, fluffy pup, kissing the sweet beast on its nose. People in the comments shared their appreciation for the post, noting how her phrases create space for being kind and engaged. Others offered their versions of phrases for navigating conversations that might be difficult to move through.
One person included the phrase, “Say more about that,” as a way to let a person expand on a topic they seem especially excited about. Someone else expanded on being the “to be fair person,” noting that they add, “I think we’ve all been there at some point or another, and it sucks.”
A 2024 study found that feeling genuinely seen and understood during a conversation is one of the most reliable elements of the sense of belonging. Noticing something good in someone's life and naming it out loud before they have to is a small act with an outsized impact, because it tells them someone was paying close attention.
In an era where we are lonelier than ever before, in-person, real-life interaction is hugely important, yet our anxieties around connecting to other people are high, especially after three years of prolonged social distancing. Helping others ease their way into conversation is a great tool to offer, particularly when it's rooted in person-to-person compassion.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers relationships, psychology, and all things to do with human behavior.
