People With Low Levels Of Emotional Maturity Say 11 Things When They Should Be Taking Accountability
vadim paripa | UnsplashNo one enjoys being criticized or called out. It can make people feel ashamed, especially when criticism comes from someone who cares about them. Defensiveness is a natural response to being put on the spot or called out, but some people take it way too far.
Often, instead of taking accountability, people with low levels of emotional maturity will deflect, instead. They make it seem as if if it's only the other person's problem and not something that should be worked out between them or even apologized for. To spot this in action, watch for these common phrases.
People with low levels of emotional maturity say these things when they should be taking accountability:
1. 'I'm not being defensive, but...'
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This phrase is a classically ironic sign that someone is being defensive straight out of the gate. They may use this phrase often as a way to avoid appearing defensive, but in reality, it signals the complete opposite.
Instead of actively listening and trying to keep the conversation open and honest, they're shutting it down by refusing to acknowledge what they're actually being, which is defensive.
"Defensive individuals often have control and power issues, and perceive anyone confronting them or holding them accountable as a threat. They are uncomfortable with feelings in general and managing their own," explained licensed clinical psychologist Seth Meyers, PsyD.
It's a mark of emotional immaturity and if they want to have better relationships and even better careers, they should do some work on accountability.
2. 'You're just misunderstanding me'
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"You're just misunderstanding me" is another phrase you'll often hear from people who are emotionally insecure when they're being called out.
Of course, there are times when your words or actions aren't being taken how you meant for them to be taken, and you have every right to clarify. But, too often, this phrases is used by someone trying to deflect attention and avoid accountability.
3. 'Why are you making such a big deal out of this?'
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When an overly defensive individual uses this phrase, they try to focus solely on the other person's reactions to their actions instead of engaging with the issue at hand and taking the necessary steps to resolve it. They would rather point the finger at the other person's feelings and make them feel as if they're acting irrationally, when their reaction should be acknowledged as a response to the conflict.
"[When] someone blames you and ignores their own part in a problem, consider the possibility that the behavior is a defense mechanism," insists psychology expert Arash Emamzadeh. "Specifically, it may be a defense mechanism aimed at protecting the blame-shifter's fragile ego from being overwhelmed with negative emotions such as guilt and shame.
While this is understandable in children, it's a big sign of emotional immaturity in adults. It's time for them to grow up and take accountability.
4. 'I guess I'm just a terrible person then'
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Oh my, the manipulative emotionally immature person has struck again! And don't we all know the type?
This phrase is a prime example of an overly defensive person attempting to flip the script on their behavior and make themselves feel like the victim. A study from Personality and Individual Differences suggested that the victim mentality is actually a personality trait called the "Tendency for Interpersonal Victimhood (TIV)."
By using this phrase, these individuals are hoping that it will deflect from their actions and cause everyone around them to feel bad for them and, in turn, apologize and allow them to not have to explain their actions. They're attempting to evoke sympathy, but the problem is this ends up shifting the blame and gets rid of the opportunity to have an actual productive conversation to get to the root of the problem.
5. 'That's just the way I am'
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When someone says this, they're not only attempting to avoid accountability, they're insisting that there's no way they can change their behavior or grow from their mistakes. By resisting change, they're not allowing themselves the journey of being able to improve and evolve into a better person.
They also turn people off almost immediately. That's because it's a huge sign of emotional immaturity.
"Growing pains can feel good when you lean into them and embrace them. Feel the burn of change and enjoy making progress, taking action toward your values, and learning from your mistakes. It will only make you stronger," explained clinical psychologist Diana Hill, PhD.
Yes, we love it when someone is secure in who they are and won't change for petty reasons. But when someone should be taking accountability and instead falls back on, "Accept me how I am or kick rocks!" time and again, it's a big red flag.
6. 'Well, you do the same thing'
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Anyone who has been in a long-term romantic relationship has heard this at least once from their partner during an argument. Sometimes it's justified when you're being blamed for something you're both guilty of.
But when an overly defensive person uses this phrase, they're not only trying to deflect responsibility, but they're redirecting the focus onto the other person and trying to point out that they have the same "flaws" as them. By pointing the finger at the other person in the room, they hope it will make everyone else aware of their behavior instead of theirs, even if there's nothing wrong with how the other person is acting.
"Deflection is about protecting one's self-image instead of taking responsibility. If one feels guilty or inadequate about something they did, deflection pushes that feeling away by shifting the focus onto something else," explained Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist.
7. 'I was just joking'
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A joke is only a joke if it's funny and other people find it humorous. You simply can't pass something off that's either hurt someone's feelings or caused tension as being a "joke" just because you aren't happy with the reactions of others. It's petty and unkind.
Overly defensive individuals sometimes have a habit of trying to brush everything under the rug as banter and humor instead of apologizing or acknowledging. If used repeatedly, it could end up making others feel as if their emotions aren't being validated or taken seriously.
The problem is that what one person may have intended to be humorous may not have come across like that, and it's mature of that individual to simply apologize and help mend the situation.
8. 'Fine, whatever'
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To avoid having to answer legitimate questions or face facts, overly defensive people may just say "whatever!" as if it's 1999 and they're Cher Horowitz. And trust me, it's not cute coming from a grown adult.
It can be understandable that people might feel uncomfortable to have the spotlight focused on them. Nobody likes that. But instead of addressing the tension, emotionally immature people would rather shut down the conversation entirely than take accountability.
The problem with this is that it doesn't allow them the chance to work through their problems and gain some helpful insights that can help them grow in the long run. Saying "fine, whatever" simply pushes the problem to the side, not actually solving anything in the process.
9. 'I don't have to explain myself to you'
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"I don't have to explain myself to you" is one of the most annoying phrases overly defensive people use instead of taking accountability when they've messed up. They may use this phrase as a way to assert control over a situation and insist that they don't need to explain their actions to another person, even if those actions have directly affected them.
They're attempting to halt any further discussion while also protecting themselves because, to them, having to explain their actions means having to be vulnerable. At the end of the day, using this phrase can end up eroding the relationships these individuals have in their lives because forming a genuine connection with someone means not only admitting when you're wrong but also having a willingness to talk about it.
10. 'You're too sensitive'
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This one might be the very worst on this list and is a major warning sign that someone is too immature to ever really take accountability.
Not only is this a classic gaslighting tactic, it's a sign someone is willing to be dismissive even toward people they care about rather than look inward at themselves. Instead of addressing the impact their words can have on another individual, they'd rather continue to have their control.
According to author Sophia Dembling, "'You're too sensitive' is what people say when they've said or done something unkind and want you to believe that they haven't."
She continued, "Maybe you are 'too sensitive.' Maybe you do overreact sometimes. But the people who love you understand this, honor it as best they can, and give you room to have your feelings and work them out."
There's nothing inherently wrong with being sensitive, and frankly, there's no such thing as being "too sensitive" either. If something hurts your feelings, you have a right to express your emotions about it.
11. 'I can't believe you think that about me!'
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Overly defensive people take things personally, or think something is an attack against their character when, in reality, someone is just trying to point out something they've done that wasn't taken in the manner they meant it in. It doesn't mean they're a bad person or they have nefarious actions, but "I can't believe you think that about me" is one of the phrases overly defensive people use often, according to psychology.
By using this phrase, these individuals are attempting to play the victim by acting hurt or offended. This phrase can end up being incredibly frustrating for the person receiving it because it invalidates their concern and discourages an honest conversation from happening.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
