People Who Are Mentally & Emotionally Closed Off Usually Say 7 Phrases In Casual Conversation
Liza Summer | CanvaYou're single, but you say you want a relationship. You swear it's a priority in your life — going as far as hiring coaches to guide you. But you're still single and scratching your head while you wonder, "Why am I alone again on a Saturday night?" It might be because you're mentally & emotionally closed off.
A great person is out there for you, but if you're pining away for "Mr. or Mrs. Perfect," you're going to miss them. And if you're not holding out for "Mr. or Mrs. Perfect," then perhaps you're playing one of the following mind games on yourself, and internalizing any of them will keep you unhappy and single.
Mentally and emotionally closed-off people usually say these things casually:
1. 'I'm too busy'
This is so common it had to make the list at number one. You use this as an excuse not to work on love, and it's easy to toss out there when you need to justify your perpetual singledom. But are you too busy — or are you just mentally & emotionally closed off? More than likely, it's the latter.
The right person will understand and work with you to make the time you both need. The wrong person will use it as an excuse to look elsewhere. So, are you truly too busy, or do you justify not dating with this excuse? Think about it.
2. 'I'm not healthy enough for a relationship'
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Perhaps you are sick — sick and tired of looking at dating sites or going on bad first dates, but telling yourself this doesn't help you. It's an easy out when you're frustrated with dating. If you truly are ill, then I hope you're taking care of yourself. However, if you're just saying this as an out because you're emotionally closed off, you're hurting yourself and your odds at love. A study in the Journal of Family Psychology even suggests that the right person will take care of you and love you for who you are.
3. 'My kids are my priority'
Yes, your kids are your priority, but you need to have a life too. Cut out some time for yourself, and if you want a companion, you need to make them a priority in your life, as well. Of course, I'm not saying shove your kids aside, but as a fellow parent, I know it's important to take time for yourself once in a while.
The right person will understand your kids are your life, and maybe they have kids of their own that are the apple of their eye. All of these issues are capable of being repaired, and more importantly, will work out with the right person.
4. 'My life is full of drama'
Most people hate needless drama, and they don't want to fall in the middle of you and an ex, nor do they want to deal with your family issues. I'm not saying they expect your life to remain completely drama-free (because let's face it, no one's is), but if you're still fighting with your ex or your family dynamic is unhealthy, you need to take care of those before you bring a new partner into the mix.
When you find a good person, you may see how needless the drama is and take steps to get rid of it. Often drama hangs around just to get in the way, and it's amazing how fast it can go away (if and when you take a step back).
5. 'I will, when I…'
This one can take several forms, such as "when I lose weight," "when I get my financial house in order," or "when I get that next promotion." Nonetheless, they're all stall tactics of people who are mentally & emotionally closed off.
Let's take the first two and talk about them. It does not matter what you weigh. If you need to lose weight, work on it, but men love women of all shapes and sizes, and vice versa. If you truly have money problems, find a credit counselor or someone who can help you with a budget.
Most people understand money problems, but they expect that you're working to solve them. If all you do is complain, they assume you're doing nothing. Any time you put off seeking a relationship because you're waiting for some specific thing to happen in the future, you're using this excuse.
6. 'I can't date someone who…'
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The excuses are numerous here: is poor, is uneducated, has a big belly, is of a different religion, has young kids. You're throwing up mental & emotional roadblocks for no good reason.
Look, here's the thing: you're not perfect, and the man you end up falling in love with won't be either. Take every person for who they are, and enjoy getting to know them without judgment... unless they give you a good reason to walk away.
7. 'They have to prove themselves to me'
This one comes in many forms, ranging from "All men are after one thing" or "Men are stupid." If you think like this, get it out of your head right now. When a man hears you say this, he wonders how long it'll take before you're talking about him in that way.
When you get it in your head that a person has to prove himself to you, this is assuming they're guilty until they prove themselves innocent. Why can't you assume he's a good guy until he gives you a reason not to?
If you say these casual phrases, you're pushing love away because you're mentally & emotionally closed off. All your friends say you're gorgeous and have it all. You know you want a relationship, but you tell yourself you'd rather stay single than settle.
Settling is allowing yourself to stay in a relationship that doesn't serve you. It's being with a guy you don't love — or even like — because you think no one else will come along. It's allowing behavior you don't want because you feel you have no options. This is very different from finding a great person who's not exactly who you thought you were looking for.
I can't emphasize enough that when you hold a negative mindset and remain mentally & emotionally closed off, you will either stay single or attract bad people, and run off the good ones. These phrases are absolute poison to a good relationship, and they're unnecessary.
Jonathon Aslay is a coach, speaker, mid-life dating and relationship coach, and author of two books. He offers tips, teleclasses, and coaching for daters looking for better relationships.
