The One Sign Someone Is A Toxic Friend — And You Can Spot It Almost Immediately
YakobchukOlena | CanvaToxic friends don't always come off as bad people. Sometimes it's difficult to spot their negative traits, but once you realize they are disrupting your peace, you need to act — and fast.
It never occurred to me that my friend was toxic, but I could not understand why I felt my belly tighten when I noticed she was calling me. It could have been the stressful finals week, but I was reluctant to spend any time with her lately.
The one sign someone is a toxic friend is one you can spot almost immediately: how do you feel after interacting with them?
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When you interact with your friend, that physical reaction your body has before your brain catches up is worth paying attention to.
Research shows that conflict in close relationships raises cortisol levels, drives inflammation, and weakens the immune system. This all means that your gut may be registering a toxic friendship as a genuine threat long before you can name it.
That’s when it hit me: my friend’s toxic nature was at times unbearable. I had never used that word for her in my head.
In fact, I did not realize her toxicity until I took a step back to analyze my strong reactions to her name appearing on my phone. But once my brain came upon that word, I could not unsee the whole series of toxic behaviors. There were numerous occasions when she was unkind to people, and many times when she would say horrible things about total strangers.
Then there were the times when she would say things to subtly devalue me and my accomplishments. Oh, and she never liked my other friends. She always thought I was betraying her by spending time with other people. It was always her versus everyone else.
This kind of behavior is toxic and made me understand why we must do something about the toxic people in our lives. Sometimes it might shock you to realize that you have inadvertently let a toxic friend into your life. In fact, you might notice all these symptoms and still not consider them toxic because it is never easy to see that a so-called friend is toxic.
I mean, relatives, whom we don’t get to choose, can be toxic and still be present in our lives due to unavoidable circumstances. Family reunions, anyone? But how can we be stupid enough to allow a friend, whom we get to choose, into our lives and keep them there when they are no good for us?
The answer is that we can't tell who is or isn’t toxic just by looking at them. We need to spend a considerable amount of time with them before we can gain that kind of knowledge about someone. But you become aware your "friend" is toxic, what steps do you take to ensure you don’t end up in a dark place because of your association with them?
Here's what you should do once you realize your friend is toxic:
1. Understand why they are like this
Most of the time, a toxic person is deeply wounded in some kind of way and does not know or is unwilling to change his or her toxic behavior patterns. Toxic people usually do not seek help and can be extremely defensive if you bring their problem to their attention.
Understanding where toxic behavior comes from helps you stop taking it personally. Research on developmental trauma shows that people who experienced early harm often re-enact those wounds through expressions of anger and aggression. This is because emotional vulnerability genuinely feels threatening to them.
2. Understand your role in the interaction
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Unfortunately, some relationships are toxic even if the individuals in them are not necessarily so. For some reason, both people in the relationship could have a hand in the unhealthy interaction. For instance, if there is mutual distrust or blame, that friendship can turn extremely toxic, while both people involved are not individually toxic.
Understanding what you contribute to your friendships can help you put an end to any toxicity that is present. Studies have found that the ability to set and maintain clear emotional limits is linked to higher self-esteem, better relationship quality, and lower stress.
3. Set some boundaries
One of the key ways toxic friends can be recognized is how they have an absolute disregard for the other person’s boundaries. Your toxic friend probably routinely crosses lines and does not even feel the need to apologize.
It’s up to you to be clear about and stick to your boundaries to maintain them. Every time you set a boundary, you reinforce your own values and affirm your self-worth, which researchers say gradually builds a stronger sense of identity and reduces the resentment that builds when your limits are constantly ignored.
4. Be assertive
Don’t like how they treat you? Politely tell them so. Do not react when they become passive-aggressive. Instead, look them straight in the eyes the next time they say something negative and say, “Wow, that was an awful thing to say. Try to do better next time.” You need to let them know their toxic behavior is not OK. But what if they don't change?
According to psychotherapist Moshe Ratson, "Being assertive about what you want affirms your right to want what you want, even if there's little chance of getting it. When you understand your right to be who you are and ask for what you need, and at the same time you are flexible in your expectations about what you will actually get, you can be authentic and less attached to the outcome."
5. Dump them
Do you feel like your self-esteem is dwindling? Do you lose your temper a lot around them? Do you absolutely dread spending time with them?
As therapist Alexandria Fields explains, a healthy friendship should allow you to feel supported and loved unconditionally, and when a friend actively works against that, leaving is a form of self-care. Your peace is worth protecting, and the right people in your life will make that feel obvious instead of something you have to constantly fight for.
You might be caught in an unhealthy and destructive cycle that you can't escape. Sometimes it’s essential to dump your toxic friend. If your friendship has reached this point, it might be best for you to let them go.
Mehruba Chowdhury is a writer who covers astrology, pop culture, and relationship topics. She has been featured in Borgen, The Borgen Project, Yourtango, and more.
