After Losing A Parent, 10 Things About Me Changed Forever
eternalcreative | CanvaI don't think there's anything that can prepare you for losing a parent. It's a larger blow in adulthood, because you are at the point where you are actually friends with your mother or father. Their wisdom has finally sunk in, and you know that all of the things you rolled your eyes at as a teenager really were done out of love and probably saved your life a time or two.
I lost both of mine two years apart, my mother much unexpectedly, and my father rather quickly after a cancer diagnosis. My mom was the one person who could see into my soul and could call me out in the most effective way. She taught me what humanity, empathy, and generosity mean. My father was the sarcastic realist in the house and one of the most forgiving people I have ever met. If you wanted it straight, just go ask my dad.
Grief runs its course, and it comes in stages; that's how we cope with death. But I wasn't prepared for it to never fully go away. According to research, grief is highly individualized and nonlinear, and painful feelings can resurface unexpectedly months or even years after a loss, especially around major life milestones. The American Psychological Association explains that losing a parent in adulthood carries its own profound psychological weight, and that no amount of anticipation or preparation makes the reality of it any easier to navigate.
After losing a parent, here are the 10 things about me changed forever:
1. My phone is never more than one foot away from me at bedtime
Because the last time I did that, I missed the call that my mother had died. There is no undoing that moment. It rewires something in you permanently. Research on grief and unexpected loss shows that the manner of a parent's death plays a significant role in how survivors process and carry their grief long-term, and an unexpected death leaves a very specific kind of mark.
2. For six months, even the thought of her death made me physically sick
Daniel Martinez / Unsplash+
I literally vomited. That's grief doing what grief does to a body. According to the Cleveland Clinic, grief triggers a very real physical stress response, and symptoms including nausea, stomach trouble, headaches, and disrupted sleep are all documented physical effects of loss.
3. Their deaths have at times ripped the remainder of our family apart
I did my best to honor their wishes, and sometimes that made me the bad guy. The burden of that was immense, but I understood why I was chosen. It made me stronger as a person, so for that I am grateful.
Once a death occurs, a 2024 study found that adult children often move into a process of reassessing relationships, identity, and family dynamics that can be deeply destabilizing. The grief itself is hard enough. The fallout within the family around it can sometimes be just as hard.
4. I'm angry that my son didn't get to experience them as a grandparent
He would have adored them and they him. I feel robbed of something I can never give back to him. Grief resurfaces around major life milestones, researchers have found, and the longing to share those moments with the person you lost is one of the most persistent features of parental grief. A grandchild they never got to meet is one of those moments on an endless loop.
5. I'd never trade our time, but sometimes I think it might've been easier if they'd died when I was young
LOGAN WEAVER | @LGNWVR / Unsplash
The memories would be fewer. This is the thought that makes you feel guilty the second you have it. But it's honest. The more deeply you knew someone, the more there was to lose. Studies on parental loss in adulthood explain that a longer, richer relationship with a parent means the grief cuts deeper.
6. I'm less tolerant when people complain about their parents
You will get an earful about gratitude and appreciation. As a “Dead Parents Club” member, I would take your place in a heartbeat. This shifted sense of what matters includes a heightened awareness of how finite time with loved ones really is. You stop having patience for things that feel like they're taking for granted what you would give anything to have back.
7. It feels like I'm in a club I never wanted to join
Where do I return this unwanted membership, please? Grief counselors note that when you lose a parent, you also lose the identity you held in relation to them. Grief is something that changes shape over time instead of just disappearing.
8. Other dead-parent members are the only ones who really get it
Dekler Ph / Unsplash
They just get it. There is no other way to explain it. Research has shown that bereaved adults often feel misunderstood by those around them and may pull away socially, partly because the weight of the loss is so difficult to articulate to anyone who hasn't been through it. Finding other people in the club is one of the most validating things that can happen in the aftermath.
9. Life goes on, but years later, it can still feel like yesterday
Grief's physical and emotional effects don't disappear on a set timeline, and that elevated stress hormones linked to loss can remain present for months or even years, resurfacing in ways that catch you completely off guard. This is just what loving someone and losing them actually looks like in practice.
10. Seeing others with their parents can stir jealousy
Envious of the lunch date they have. Downright upset that your mom can't plan your baby shower. Big life events are never the same again. Grief resurfaces sharply around life milestones, and the longing for a parent at those moments can feel as acute as the original loss.
Here I sit, eight and ten years later, and there are still times that I reach for the phone when something exciting happens. Then it hits me. I can't call them.
Losing a parent, two in my case, has forever changed me and how I look at the world. Oddly, it has made me a better parent. I am always acutely aware of what memories can mean to my son and how I will impact his life while I am on this earth. He deserves to know how much he is loved, and when I am gone, what I teach and instill in him now will be my legacy.
Lisa Schmidt is a Dating and Relationship coach in Detroit and the author of her own blog. She streams regularly on Periscope and is a contributor for several online publications.
