For Years, I Thought I Was Being Kind And It Took A Painful Mistake To Realize I Was Just Being Used
Mert Coşkun | CanvaI remember bawling into my best friend’s shoulder over how stupid I was to purposely ruin a really good relationship. I had a guy who treated me really well, but a part of me had to sabotage it because, as researchers explained, it was inevitable that it would end.
There were days I went without making eye contact with myself in the mirror. I felt so disgusted that I knowingly hurt someone who was a genuinely good person.
For years, I thought I was being kind, and it took a painful mistake to realize I was just being used
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This moment really changed how I looked at people
Fortunately, my mistakes were forgiven, and I was given another chance. If the roles were reversed, I would not have been as forgiving. But it was that second chance that allowed me to look at myself in the mirror again.
I did a bad thing, but it didn’t make me a bad person. That’s something I’ve really had to repeat to myself. I know I don’t want to cause pain to someone in the same way ever again. I think it’s important to acknowledge when you have made a mistake and own up to it. As brain studies have said, mistakes are how we learn and grow.
Now, I give second chances to people I truly believe won’t waste them. I can find comfort in knowing that not everyone is going to be a repeat offender, and sometimes second chances do go a long way. Had I not been granted a second chance, I would have missed out on some amazing people. Realizing that people can change has allowed me to heal from past wounds.
"It becomes a pivotal and defining chapter in your life story, rather than overtaking your story entirely," encouraged Dr. Debbie Silber, Ph.D. "You become able to see it as an experience that's helped you grow into the confident, strong, and wise person you are now."
Allowing people the opportunity to possibly hurt me again terrifies me to my core
If they mess up again, I can at least say that I tried. My long list of mistakes also includes not saying enough. I was a settler. I allowed temporary people to set up a campsite in my life, just to take it down when the weather got a little too cold or too hot.
I never expected or demanded more than mediocre experiences with people. The lack of effort was normal, which I allowed, and I was never disappointed to see some people leave. It was then that I realized I needed to be devoting my time to people who actually cared about me. It made no sense why I was allowing myself to be a trampled doormat for people.
I started getting picky about who I wanted in my life, and I must say, I have the best support system imaginable. Sure, I wasted a lot of my time on people, but now I know what I don’t want in my life.
I have people in my life who ask me how I am, and I can call at 2 a.m. to rant to. They don’t make me feel stupid or needy — they make me feel loved. Unconditional love has allowed me to be more appreciative of people.
Psychologist Shana Parker explained, "Unconditional love doesn't mean ignoring your needs, never setting boundaries, or staying no matter what. It's not about perfection — it's about presence. Real love is an ongoing process that asks you to grow together, communicate honestly, and sometimes disagree."
When you invest your time in the right people, the benefits are amazing
I make sure to be more present in people’s lives. I have conversations with strangers who you can tell just need some human interaction. You don’t feel so lonely anymore, and you listen to people when they need a friend.
I have become more forgiving, compassionate, friendly, and supportive of others. Had it not been for the mistakes I have made, I’m not sure that I could say the same thing.
Meganne MacFarlane is a creative writer whose work has been featured on Unwritten and All4Women. She writes on topics of gender, heartbreak, and relationships.
