11 Behaviors Of Brilliant People Who Gave Up Being Nice To Everyone & Are Respected Now Instead
MAYA LAB / ShutterstockWhile people-pleasing to protect the peace or putting your needs aside to show up for others may feel like the best way to cope with internal insecurity, experts like physician Dr. Kristen Fuller argue that these kinds of behaviors actually sabotage personal relationships and happiness. Of course, it’s not always easy to break out of these patterns, especially if they stem from childhood trauma or low self-worth, but doing so can lead to a healthier, more fulfilling life.
Many of the behaviors of brilliant people who gave up being nice to everyone and are respected now instead felt uncomfortable and perhaps even impossible at first, but now they work. They provide better space for relationships, while cultivating stronger boundaries and a more impenetrable sense of self-worth.
Here are 11 behaviors of brilliant people who gave up being nice to everyone and are respected now instead
1. They stop justifying every decision
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Whether it’s over-explaining life choices to a parent or over-explaining things at work when they feel pressured to prove themselves, people who are no longer interested in being nice to or liked by everyone no longer do these things. They care more about their own self-assuredness and productivity than about wasting time seeking reassurance from others about their decisions.
While it’s usually a defense mechanism against stressful encounters and insecurity, according to psychotherapist Kaytee Gillis, it’s possible to overcome. The less you stop seeking validation from others and learn to be confident in your own decisions, the less justification you need from others when you do something.
2. They don’t immediately fill the silence
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According to therapist Michele DeMarco, being comfortable with silence is a superpower. While some people immediately try to fill the space with random chatter and unnecessary interruptions, the most secure and emotionally intelligent people appreciate silence.
They know that the more silence they appreciate, the more space they have to regulate and reflect. The more productive and healthy their conversations are.
3. They speak directly
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Rather than using fluffy language and trying to protect other people’s emotions with passive speak, brilliant people who care more about respect than being nice to everyone speak directly. They are intentional with their tone, don’t try to appeal to other people’s insecurities, and surely don’t try to be agreeable in accordance with any kind of gendered stigmas.
Especially for women, their assertiveness and directness may be perceived as rude, but in reality, it’s simply their confidence and internal security shining through.
4. They uphold and maintain their boundaries
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Setting and protecting personal boundaries is integral for shaping self-respect, personal well-being, and healthy relationships. They’re one of the behaviors of brilliant people who gave up being nice to everyone and started seeking respect instead. They care less about appeasing everyone and making their peers’ lives more comfortable, and started putting their own well-being first.
Whether it’s expectations for communication in relationships or a reminder of the behaviors they’re willing to tolerate at work, their boundaries protect them from being taken advantage of.
5. They don’t chase closure from toxic people
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According to clinical psychologist David J. Ley, you don’t always need closure from toxic people and bad relationships — in fact, it’s only really about facing your own internal negativity. If a bad person sparked a lot of negativity in you, all you need for “closure” is to address those feelings and heal from them on a personal level.
You don’t need to tolerate misbehavior in others, trying to seek apologies that will never happen. That’s why it’s one of the behaviors brilliant people who gave up being nice to everyone stopped chasing.
6. They don’t tolerate misbehavior
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People who demand respect often have strong boundaries. They don’t tolerate misbehavior. Whether it’s in the workplace or their personal relationships, they don’t let people walk all over them. They’ve learned to respect themselves, including their energy and well-being, and if someone is draining them regularly, they know when to walk away.
Of course, sometimes, tolerance changes. We can’t always immediately turn away from discomfort or personally troubling behaviors, but respected people know when their boundaries are worth setting and maintaining.
7. They stop trying to be liked by everyone
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While experts suggest that people often like us more than we give them credit, despite constantly worrying about our self-image, framing your entire life around how accepted you are by the people around you is a toxic way to live. Not only are you often making decisions and changing yourself to be appealing to others rather than to yourself, but you’re also crafting one-sided relationships that dilute respect and love.
That’s why brilliant people who traded being nice to everyone for respect often stop trying to be liked by everyone. They care about how they feel inside and how their decisions affect their personal well-being, rather than seeking out endless validation and reassurance.
8. They’re not available all the time
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Instead of being overworked by bosses at work who overstep in their personal lives or feeling guilty for not immediately responding to text messages, people who learn to seek respect, rather than likability, restrict their access. They don’t allow people constant access to their life, time, space, and energy, even if entitled people expect it from them.
Being available all the time only leads to burnout, especially if showing up for others and letting people expect things from you ushers you to undermine your own needs.
9. They don’t give second and third chances
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People who seek mutual respect in relationships, rather than simply being liked or nice to everyone they meet, are less likely to give second or third chances to those who wrong them. Their levels of self-respect and discipline are higher than that. When someone shows them who they really are, they listen.
Of course, sometimes second chances are a facet of forgiveness that benefits personal well-being and happiness, but sometimes, they’re only signs of vague boundaries and a lack of personal self-esteem that negatively affects personal health.
10. They allow people to be disappointed
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People who are respected, rather than constantly nice to everyone at their own expense, often don’t try to protect other people’s emotions. They’re not always worried about how other people feel and trying to meet their demands. Of course, they may be empathetic and loving toward the people around them, but they’re not willing to sabotage their own health and well-being to mitigate another person’s disappointment.
They know that all they really have control over is their own actions and responses. They can’t control how someone else acts or responds, and they shouldn’t guilt themselves for being unable to.
11. They don’t offer free emotional labor
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Whether it’s regulating a partner’s emotions for them in a one-sided relationship or taking on the pressure to resolve conflict with an emotionally immature parent, not offering emotional labor for free is one of the behaviors of brilliant people who have given up being nice to everyone and are now respected instead.
Especially considering that women end up bearing the burden of most emotional labor in all of their relationships, according to a study published in Frontiers in Psychology, even in their professional relationships, truly respected and self-assured women set boundaries to protect their own energy.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
