10 Tiny Marriage Habits That Don’t Seem Like Much But Keep Couples Deeply In Love For Decades
Alberto Ramírez Sobrino | PexelsAll marriages are unique, but they all require one thing: Hard work. After 20+ years as a marriage advisor working with executives and their families, I found that work success can also translate into marital and committed relationship success. Healthy relationships require just as much work and effort to be successful.
In marriage, especially, the hard work doesn't stop at the wedding. It continues until "death do us part". Whether you're in a relationship or married, research has supported that both partners need to do their fair share and lift their weight to last a long time. If you can put as much effort into building your career as you do into learning how to have a healthy marriage, you will achieve the same success and likely stay in love for decades to come.
Here are 10 tiny marriage habits that don’t seem like much but keep couples deeply in love for decades:
Habit #1: Take responsibility for the health of your marriage
You and your spouse are responsible for the state of your marriage. Acknowledge that your beliefs, choices, and behaviors all play a role in your relationship, and strive to make decisions that support your bond.
"Happiness is not a strong, stable foundation upon which to build lasting, committed love," cautioned renowned American psychologist John Gottman. "It is simply too unstable, fleeting, and constantly in flux, and how we achieve happiness changes as we change over time."
Habit #2: Exhibit the behaviors you hope to see in your spouse
Hananeko_Studio via Shutterstock
If you want to be a kind, considerate, and hardworking person, you too need to adopt these attributes. Lay the foundation for a successful marriage by acting in a way that makes you proud. Show your spouse you love and respect them to nurture your relationship.
Couples counselor Lynda Klau, Ph.D., suggested, "We can never err on the side of asking too many questions and then listening to the answers from our whole heart, gut, mind, and body. It's essential to ask our partner questions, diving deep into what they are feeling inside. Equally important is to hear what's not being said — the facts and feelings that you sense might be unspoken. Rather than assuming, you ask your partner questions that help them open up to you."
Habit #3: Give more than you hope to receive
Treat your partner the way you would like to be treated — and then go the extra mile. Be the example, even if you do not believe your spouse is giving back what you are putting into the marriage. Live without expecting reciprocity.
"When something is happening in your relationship that is undesirable and painful, you don’t have to attach to it and continue to carry it," advised life coach Michelle Thompson. "You can detach from it when you choose happiness. If you choose happiness, you choose to drop limiting, pain-recycling stories when they arise and instead let the negative energy run through and dissipate to make room for happiness, love, and an even stronger relationship."
Habit #4: Determine who you are
Clarity about who you are and where you are headed brings feelings of purpose and fulfillment. By discussing what you want and encouraging your spouse to do the same, you will build a framework to evaluate your desired outcomes.
Psychotherapist Heather Hans said, "Knowing your endpoint is how you get there, like a designated destination on a map. Knowing your needs can take time and experience, especially in intimate relationships. One of the ways we discover what we need is by the absence of it in our past relationships.
Many people choose similar partners from relationship to relationship, but remain unaware of why these relationships continue to lead to disappointment. We often discover our true needs by experiencing their absence in past relationships, and we finally recognize what we've been missing all along."
Habit #5: Continue building your marriage skills
Migma__Agency via Shutterstock
Few couples put in the time to actively improve their relationship skills. It’s important, however, that you work to continually strengthen your bond.
Family coach Jeff Schneider cautioned, "Often people focus on others and want them to change. You cannot change, control, or fix someone, and you are not responsible for how someone feels or acts. You can only be responsible for yourself. Cultivate an awareness of your habitual mental and emotional patterns and reactions so that you know what your internal conflicts and “issues” are and see what you can change."
Habit #6: Advocate for your marriage
Society conveys that spouses should consider divorce when things are no longer "fun" or "easy." Rather than accepting this outlook, view your marriage as the most important relationship you have. Remember that your union is sacred.
"The first step in positioning your relationship is to successfully endure the attacks your bond will inevitably face," pointed out marriage coach D. Ivan Young. "This includes but is not limited to, everything from setting boundaries about who can come to visit and how long they're allowed to stay, to deciding how to share and spend money.
Heck, this even includes who does which chores around the house. The reason most relationships crash and burn is that couples are so infatuated with the idea of love that they fail to look at the realities and responsibilities that come with managing it."
Habit #7: Fully commit to your partner
Marriage is an investment not only in your partner but also in your relationship. Even when things become difficult, honor your commitment by putting in the work needed to sustain a healthy marriage.
Mentor Donna Begg advised, "Opening your heart and exposing your vulnerabilities in a relationship is tough. But it helps you learn more about each other and builds a strong emotional connection, a must-have for every good marriage. If you and your partner are comfortable with each other and can talk openly, then it is a sign that your marriage can last for a very long time."
Habit #8: Keep working on yourself
The challenges we face help us learn and grow. Couples who stay together through difficult times report that their marriages are happier and stronger. Aim to improve yourself, and your marriage will improve too.
"Focus on your part of the marriage," recommended Carin Goldstein, a marriage and family therapist. "Why? Because the only person you have the power to change and be accountable for is you. The more you obsess over your partner's actions, the less you can react to a situation in a smart, mature way."
Habit #9: Learn from other successful marriages
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A via Shutterstock
Those who have not witnessed other happy marriages or committed relationships often struggle with these relationships. Remember that your example will give future generations a framework for their success.
A study investigated stability in long-term marriages. The results suggested a direct relationship between perceived levels of happiness, marital satisfaction, and depression symptoms. The happier the spouses are individually, the happier the marriage is, and subsequently, more stability is observed.
Habit #10: Show up for your marriage every single day
If you want to enjoy a thriving marriage, you must put in the time to nurture your relationship. This will not occur organically any more than your next raise or promotion. Pinpoint your goals and put in the work to achieve them.
Ultimately, the power to transform your marriage is in your hands. It is the result of the actions you take, for you have considerable power over your thoughts and attitudes.
Dr. Lisa Webb is the author of the Executive Marriage Solution: Translating Boardroom Success into Bedroom Bliss. She is also an entrepreneur, President and CEO of Body & Mind Consulting, and Chief Relationship Officer at Executive Relationship Advisor.
