Men Raised By Hyper-Controlling Mothers Often Treat Their Wives In These 11 Specifically Painful Ways
MAYA LAB / ShutterstockThe attachment we have to our parents sets the tone for our future romantic relationships. If someone has a secure attachment, they will likely maintain healthy bonds with people as they get older. They learned how to connect with others at home.
Sadly, the same can be said for unhealthy attachments. If someone grew up with a hyper-controlling mother, they may struggle with romantic relationships. Parental relationships like this can cause men to treat their wives in painful ways. Sometimes, they may make their wife feel like she has to compete with his mother for attention, whether he means to or not. Other times, he may struggle to be open and vulnerable with her because he was afraid of disappointing his mom. Whatever the reason is, this type of relationship dynamic can complicate a man’s romantic life.
Men raised by hyper-controlling mothers often treat their wives in these 11 specifically painful ways
1. He makes her compete with his mother
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Sometimes, a hyper-controlling mother wants to be the center of attention. Even as a child, she may have wanted her son’s world to revolve around her. It’s easier as a kid, as we rely most on our parents when we can’t care for ourselves. However, with age, they may want that idolization to continue. She may become jealous of her son’s partner.
Instead of putting her in her place, a man may try to please her instead. Suddenly, it feels like his wife has to compete with his mother for his attention. It’s difficult, and can be painful and frustrating for his wife. Having your husband’s mother view you as competition can be uncomfortable.
2. He crosses her boundaries
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Growing up in a home with an overly controlling mother, boundaries were probably unheard of. He was likely unable to create any of his own. His mother may have had her hands in every aspect of his life. Instead of being able to tell her how he felt, he may have had to do whatever she said, no matter what. This could cause him to have an unhealthy understanding of boundaries.
If his wife tries to set boundaries to protect herself, he may cross them. Whether he means to or not, this aspect of his childhood may seep into his daily life as an adult. He may expect her to do anything for him.
3. He expects her to parent him
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We’ve all heard of men who want their partner to baby them. Of course, it feels good to have our partners caring for us. We all want to feel loved and valued, and this behavior may make you feel that way. However, there is a healthy line between loving your partner unconditionally and parenting them. Some hyper-controlling mothers may have coddled their sons too much. On the other hand, some may not have nurtured them much at all. Whatever the reason, they may now expect their wives to step in as a parent would.
This can create a painful and unhealthy dynamic between a man and his wife. When he takes on the role of a boy and his wife the mother, it can be uncomfortable. His wife may not feel like an equal in their marriage because she has to take on the role of caretaker.
4. He guilt-trips her
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If a man grew up with a hyper-controlling mother, he may have been guilt-tripped often. When his mother wasn’t getting what she wanted from him, she may have made him feel bad about himself. She may have placed all the blame on him. To shake this feeling, he may have done whatever she said, when she said it, to avoid feeling guilty. However, that tactic may have stuck with him, and he could carry it into his marriage.
He might have an easier time making his wife feel guilty. Whether he wants to choose the TV show they watch or control what she does every day, he uses this tactic to get his way. He may make her feel sorry for him, so she gives in to his every whim.
5. He always takes his mom’s side
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It’s great when a mother and son have a close relationship. Maintaining family bonds is important. However, when a parent was hyper-controlling during their childhood, the closeness of a relationship can be a bit different. He may feel overly loyal to his mother and choose to take her side in every situation. Whether she’s spending too much time at your house or being too nosy in your relationship, he may have a hard time telling her to back off.
If a wife brings up how this makes her feel, and he takes his mother's side, this can be painful. She may feel like she isn’t the top priority in his life. It can build resentment and hurt the relationship over time.
6. He lets his mom talk poorly about his wife
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Talking poorly about your partner is never something you should do. While it’s healthy to vent when you are upset, there needs to be respect involved. If a man is constantly bad-mouthing his wife to his mom, she may have a negative view of her daughter-in-law. As a result, she may start to talk poorly about herself as well.
Sometimes, a hyper-controlling mother doesn’t need the motivation from her son’s words. Instead, she’s already formed a negative opinion and is happy to bash her whenever she can.
If a man allows this to happen, it could be because he is afraid to push back against his mother. If she raised him with hyper-control, it would feel impossible. Regardless of the reason, this is still hurtful. Men who treat their wives this way show that they care more about their mother’s feelings than their wife’s.
7. He takes financial control
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If a man grew up in a home with a hyper-controlling mother, he may develop reactive attachment disorder. They may have never felt safe around their mothers. Or, they want to take back the control they felt they never had. This can look different for everyone, but for a man who struggled with a hyper-controlling mother, he may have a hard time giving control over to someone else. When he gets married, he may think he has to call the shots because he wants to be in the driver's seat.
An easy thing for him to control may be the finances. Instead of letting his wife have a say, he may make all of the calls. She may feel like she doesn’t have her own financial freedom and independence. This is a painful way to treat his wife, and it may be a symptom of his upbringing.
8. He is hyper-critical
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Some men are naturally critical. We’ve likely all been in relationships with someone who constantly shared their two cents with us. Whether we asked for it or not, they have their criticism constantly. It’s frustrating, and it can be painful. If a man grew up with a hyper-controlling mother, he may have heard criticism. As a result, he may extend that behavior towards his wife.
“Criticisms from your partner can cut far deeper, ranging from derogatory comments about your appearance to questions about your intelligence. As much as these hurt you, there are still enough compelling features of your relationship that continue to bond you to your partner. Even so, it would be much healthier if your partner could stop pushing you away with the steady stream of criticism in the first place,” says Susan Krauss Whitbourne, PhD, ABPP.
9. He makes her feel like she isn’t good enough
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A hyper-controlling mother may try to sway her son’s opinions. Sometimes, it can be difficult for a man to escape from his mother’s opinions. If she is in his ear, telling him that his wife isn’t enough, he may start to believe it. He could carry that behavior over to his wife. Instead of making her feel good about herself, he may deflate her self-esteem. Or, he may have never felt like he was enough from his own mother. Now, he views everything his wife does in the same way.
He may make his wife feel worthless, which is a specifically painful treatment. It can put a major strain on their relationship. If he inherited this ideology from his mother, whether she’s in his ear or he’s relaying how she made him feel, it’s unhealthy.
10. He expects her to drop everything for him
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Hyper-controlling mothers may rely on their sons to do everything they ask, when they ask. He may be used to dropping everything on a dime and expecting his wife to do the same again. This can be painful, as it makes her feel she is only in his life for what she can do for him. When he treats her this way, it can bring relationship struggles.
On the other hand, some hyper-controlling mothers may have had their hand in every aspect of his life. She was there whenever he needed her. Now, he expects his wife to hold the same ideology. It's a type of treatment that can make his wife feel more like a parental figure than a romantic partner.
11. He projects his anger at his mother onto her
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Many of us have unresolved trauma. If a man was raised by a hyper-controlling mother, he may have trauma that impacts him daily. Some men may take out these feelings on the person they love most. He may project the anger from his mother’s mistakes onto his relationship. This can cause serious problems, and it’s a painful way for a woman to be treated.
“Projection is often viewed as a coping strategy that people engage in when experiencing intense and complex emotions. When we project our feelings onto others, it can serve as a way to keep us from experiencing uncomfortable emotions like fear, guilt, or shame. It can also be an unconscious effort to preserve our self-esteem or sense of self,” says Geralyn Dexter, PhD, LMHC.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
