6 Little Things Husbands Secretly Want In A Marriage (Even If They Never Say It Out Loud)
Goodboy Picture Company | CanvaWhen it comes to knowing how to be a better spouse, there are plenty of ways women can become even better partners.
While some men, though certainly not all, may struggle to express what they wish their wives would do more of to make for a harmonious union, we've done the work for you, sussing out the habits husbands secretly value in a marriage.
To the boyfriends, husbands, and partners reading this, remember it goes both ways. Often, what men want, women want too. So, you should be encouraged to give these non-physical "things" to her as well, especially if you want a day-to-day relationship that's calmer and more fulfilling on the whole.
Here are the seven things husbands secretly value in a marriage, even if they never say it out loud:
1. Husbands value when they are nurtured
Yes, women might have a biological edge on this one with their higher doses of estrogen and oxytocin, often called the “mothering” hormone. A group of female scientists at UCLA labeled this trait “tend and befriend” in 2000 when they observed how the scientists in their lab responded to stress.
When their lab faced a funding crisis, the men tended to isolate themselves, while the women would come together to share coffee, commiserate, and encourage each other. Whatever your gender, though, caring for and nurturing others is a critical component in building and maintaining healthy relationships.
2. They value feeling safe and being vulnerable
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Like many classic feminine traits, being emotionally expressive has been given a bad rap. Women have traditionally been raised to express their feelings, then get labeled as hysterical or oversensitive when they do, while men have been trained to stuff them. Nobody wins with that model.
Thanks to psychologist Daniel Goleman, there is now a new paradigm for “emotional intelligence” that describes how to examine your emotions and then use that information to guide your thinking and behavior. It's time to banish the notion that being stoic is a strength and raise vulnerability and transparency as the newest power tools.
3. Husbands value when their side of the story is seen
I love combining seemingly opposite concepts. How about being a compassionate warrior? That means you’re not afraid to show empathy or to imagine how it feels to walk in someone else’s shoes. It implies you can show all the positive traits of a warrior (strength, bravery, confidence, discipline), but can still be warm-hearted, sympathetic, and thoughtful.
The Dalai Lama said, “Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” If that’s not a resounding endorsement, I don’t know what is.
4. They value gentleness, not weakness
Let’s make this clear: Gentleness is not a weakness. Instead, think of it as a secret power source. How many people do you know who get exactly what they want because they exude calm and gentility but have a core of steel? They’re not wimps.
“Kill them with kindness” is one of my favorite phrases, and so is “You attract more flies with honey than with vinegar.” If you’ve ever been in a situation where you’ve had to bite your tongue to keep from exploding, you know how much control that takes. Being gentle requires strength.
5. Husbands value it when you notice what kind of day they're having
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Intuition is another one of those qualities that’s been blatantly assigned to women, as in “women’s intuition.” In her seminal work, Toward a New Psychology of Women, feminist psychologist Jean Baker Miller described it as the necessity of"anyone in a subordinate position [i.e., women] to learn to ... be attuned to the vicissitudes of mood, pleasure, and displeasure of the dominant group [i.e., men].”
The ability to sense another person’s emotional state, to respond from instinct rather than logic, and to base your response on feelings rather than facts is truly a gift. And, of course, anyone can develop that attunement, whether they carry it in their cellular memory or not, whether male or female.
The ability to connect meaningfully to others and to establish healthy, enduring relationships is the foundation of any human system. In the early hunter/gatherer societies, women carried the responsibility of building communities and nurturing the clan while the men defended and provided for them.
Certainly, that traditional mindset still exists today, but increasingly, men are engaged in developing “relationship skills” through programs like the Sterling Institute or the Gottman Institute. Let’s eliminate the lone cowboy archetype and embrace the power of connection. No matter how strong and independent your inner goddess is, she’ll always need a little help from her friends.
6 Husbands value being asked for their input
The “command and control” model of leadership is dying a slow death, both in organizations and (hopefully) in families. It’s based on a traditional military strategy that places one person in command who demands unquestioned respect and obedience but invites no input or suggestions. More and more business leaders recognize this is not a viable paradigm for success, but it drives valued employees away.
Enter the feminine qualities of cooperation and collaboration. In some ways, these skills embody the previous ones we’ve discussed. If you open yourself up to powerful, meaningful relationships, you must be willing to be vulnerable, empathetic, genuinely caring, and kind, and trust your intuition.
Deborah Roth is a Life & Career Transition Coach and Interfaith Minister who founded Spirited Living to help guide spirited women and men through life’s big changes with joy and ease.
