Couples With A High Relationship IQ Do 14 Things Differently Than Everyone Else
Monkey Business Images | Shutterstock By now, we've all heard of emotional intelligence (EQ), a valuable set of skills that help us understand our emotions and those of others. Along with EQ, we can develop a high relationship IQ through a set of skills that help us grow and maintain the healthiest, happiest relationships imaginable.
The things people with high relationship IQs do differently aren't just random. They come from decades of research done by experts, specifically Dr. Harville Hendrix and his wife, Dr. Helen LaKelly-Hunt and their therapy modality called IMAGO. In addition, therapists like Dr. Stan Tatkin add insights into how to make small changes that build enviable relationships.
Couples with a high relationship IQ do 14 things differently than everyone else
1. They create comfortable spaces, especially for big conversations
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A safe space for a deep or tough conversation isn't just about starting the right way, it's also about the surroundings. Couples with a high relationship IQ know their partner, and they know what makes them feel relaxed and open.
How can you be sure the place where you're talking is set up for success? Think about your partner and what makes them like you and different from you.
Do they open up and relax when you have music on or do they like it quiet? How about the lights, bright or dim? If you have kids, is it when they're already in bed, or on the weekends when they're playing? Over dinner or while doing a project together?
These things seem silly until you start paying attention to the setting when your partner relaxes and finally starts opening up. Smart couples look for trends and make mental notes so they know how to make the person they love feel comfortable.
2. They show appreciation for even the smallest gestures
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In a relationship, showing appreciation means letting your partner know that you value them and recognize all their hard work. It involves expressing gratitude for the things they do, and it can be as simple as saying "thank you" for their efforts or acknowledging their positive qualities.
Couples who are relationally intelligent use appreciation to add more positive interactions to their daily tally. They know that researchers at The Gottman Institute determined there was a "magic ratio" of 5:1 interactions, positive:negative, in the daily lives of happily married couples.
When you show appreciation in a relationship, it strengthens the emotional connection between you and your partner, fosters a sense of mutual respect and love, and contributes to a healthier and happier partnership.
3. They ask before diving into something heavy
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This may seem odd, but it's one of the most beneficial things someone can do for their relationship. It's a way of respecting the other person's time and emotional space.
When you ask permission, you allow them to choose when they are most comfortable and available to engage in the conversation. It conveys that you value their input and are open to finding a mutually convenient time to address the issue.
In both personal and professional relationships, this approach can lead to more productive and respectful dialogues, ultimately fostering healthier and more positive interactions.
While it seems like it should go without saying, when you've been in a romantic relationship with the same for a long time, it can be easy to see them as an extension of yourself. You forget to check in with them the way you would've in the past. But couples with a high relationship IQ
4. They look for subtle non-verbal communication cues
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Non-verbal signals help people convey so much more than words alone can say. They can also help someone with a high relationship IQ understand their partner better.
Paying close attention to someone's non-verbal communication not only shows you're truly interested, it also gives you a lot more insight into what your partner is truly saying. This is especially helpful when one or both of you are sending mixed signals.
This can be aided by holding your partner's hand to positioning yourself to face them. This way you can use your body language to show that you are open and alert for the conversation, all while being more in tune with their body language cues.
Even more importantly, Dr. Stan Tatkin, a psychologist whose couples therapy modality is based on a psychobiological perspective (taking anthropological/biological instincts into account along with psychology) insists that being in one another's peripheral vision can trigger a defensive reaction in people.
Instead, couples with a high relationship IQ sit in front of one another. Then, they can see the subtle changes in eye contact and stay emotionally connected and attuned. This helps them stay empathetic with one another, too.
5. They utilize speaker responsibility (i.e. "I" Statements)
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Using "I" statements (also known as speaker responsibility) helps express your thoughts and emotions without blaming or accusing the other person. This approach shifts the focus from blaming the other person to sharing your perspective, which can lead to more constructive and empathetic conversations.
These statements allow us to express our emotions, take responsibility, encourage empathy, clarify our intentions, and even promote problem-solving. The reason this works is it relieves the reflexive defensiveness people have when they feel accused of doing something wrong or hurtful.
Here's an example of what a couple with a high relationship IQ might say:
Instead of: "You really hurt my feelings when you insist on golfing every Sunday. It's like you don't love me enough to stay home.
Try an "I" statement: "I would really like to spend more time together on the weekends, and when you golf on Sundays, I often feel lonely and miss you. Can we figure out how to solve this where we both get what we need from one another?"
As you can see in the example, the "I" statement allows them to be a team where nobody is a bad guy, and the speaker takes responsibility for how they feel. This way, they are a team solving a shared problem rather than an injured party expecting someone else to cure them.
6. They listen carefully and practice accurate mirroring
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Accurate mirroring involves paraphrasing what the other person said to ensure you understood them correctly. For instance, in the earlier example, a couple with a high relationship IQ might say (in a kind, neutral tone), "If I've got this right, you're saying that it's not that I'm golfing that causes a problem, it's that you feel like we need to spend more time together."
This is a key aspect of IMAGO therapy that demonstrates active listening and promotes mutual understanding. This technique is key to therapy modalities like Imago, where the goal is to de-escalate intense conversations by focusing on clarity and understanding.
When you engage in mirroring, you take the time to carefully listen to the other person's statements. You aim to grasp not only the surface content of their words but also the underlying emotions, concerns, and intentions they may be conveying. This deep level of attentiveness helps you connect with them on a more meaningful level.
7. They do an accuracy check before responding
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When you take a moment to confirm your understanding of what someone is saying before responding, you can prevent a ton of misunderstanding and conflict.
Once again, in the golf example from earlier, the listener would reply something like: "It sounds like you're feeling disconnected from me because our weekends are so busy, is that correct?"
If the original speaker feels it's not correct, they can clarify how they're feeling. Then the listener will do yet another accuracy check before moving on.
Yes, it can seem tedious at first, but in practice it speeds up conversations that are emotional by offering a framework that won't get people bogged down in accusations or defensiveness. The gift in this is that many arguments can be avoided entirely!
Accuracy checks at work or in project-based conversations can be factual, but in family or romantic relationships, highly emotional intelligent people use them to confirm the emotional core. In this case, it's not the golf that's the problem, it's all of the over-scheduling on the weekends in general.
Once they get to the emotional core of the problem, they can solve it togethe.r
8. They're curious about their partner's interests and passions
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Demonstrating curiosity about the current topic, as well as any little thing your partner is passionate about, keeps the discussion focused and engaging. It also helps your partner feel loved, plain and simple.
Couples who high relationship IQs know that curiosity is key to long-lasting love. They remember how, in the beginning of their relationship, they were fascinated by every word their partner said. They know that it's not their partner who got boring, it's that they let curiosity and connection fade.
9. They validate their partner's point of view
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One of the biggest challenges couples face when they get truly serious about each other is learning how to validate the feelings and experiences of their partner, even when they disagree. It feels impossible until you learn how to respect your feelings and theirs, even when they're different.
Going back to our handy golf example, the partner who gets left behind on Sundays feels unloved and unimportant. The golfing partner likely doesn't understand why, and maybe even feels like this important part of their life is going to be taken away, which may make them feel unloved and unimportant, too.
For these two, it's important to share the "why". The non-golfer may have had absentee parents and the hours dedicated to golf may trigger that loneliness.
The golfer, then, could say: "I see where you're coming from, especially when I consider your past experiences with spending a lot of time alone as a kid. It makes sense that you feel this way."
By validating their perspective, you're letting them know that their thoughts and emotions are valid and reasonable given their unique life experiences. The golfer doesn't have to say, "You're right, I'm abandoning you" in order to validate the feelings. Instead, they just need to see why it matters so much.
From that place, they can work together on find a solution where both of their needs are met.
10. They express empathy
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Rather than offering sympathy, which can sometimes come across as expressing pity or feeling sorry for someone, high IQ couples do their best to consistently show empathy. Empathy involves making an effort to truly grasp the emotions the other person is experiencing. It shows genuine concern for their feelings and a willingness to connect with them on an emotional level.
Expressing empathy is like stepping into their shoes and trying to see the situation from their perspective. It's an acknowledgment that you're attuned to their emotional state and are there to support and understand them, rather than merely offering sympathy from a distance.
Doing this actually fosters a stronger sense of connection and trust in your relationship.
11. They acknowledge when they feel loved or cared for
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Expressing your feelings of being cared for is a valuable practice in any relationship, be it with a partner, friend, or family member. It serves to reinforce positive behaviors and interactions, fostering a deeper emotional connection.
Sharing how you feel loved, when you feel it, reinforces the positive aspects of your relationship and encourages a cycle of kindness and consideration. It's a way of saying, "Your actions matter to me, and they contribute to our bond."
This practice, when integrated into your interactions, can lead to a more loving, supportive, and fulfilling relationship with the people you care about.
12. They make requests instead of complaints
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When it comes to addressing concerns or problems in a relationship, making specific requests prove to be a much more effective approach compared to expressing complaints. This helps guide the conversation away from defensiveness and more towards solutions and clarity.
Using specific requests helps couples with high EQs in problem-solving, respect, and cooperation in relationships and interactions.
Using the golf example, this would look like saying, "I would love to spend more time with you on the weekends, can we carve out a few more hours that what we've been doing?"
Compared to the complaint, which might sound like, "When you golf you lose half the day on Sunday and that means we spend almost no time together!"
13. They talk about their future together
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Talking about your hopes and dreams for the future in different parts of life, like relationships, jobs, or personal aspirations, can encourage positive conversations, ones filled with hope and connection. On a deeper level, it also shows that you're thinking about having a future together, even if you still have your individual hopes and dreams.
This practice also helps create a connection between you and your partner because you are sharing some of your most vulnerable parts. These are all things that make you who you are and the things that, at its core, give you purpose.
14. They express gratitude
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Couples with high relational intelligence know that simple expressions of thanks carry the power to cultivate a positive and harmonious ambiance within the exchange. Not just to their partner for specific acts, but also about their lives together and their world in general.
Practicing gratitude individually and as a couple is a great way to create more positivity. Research has shown time and again that gratitude practices not only help people feel happier, they also reduce stress and add to overall life satisfaction.
So, next time you have a conversation with your partner, try to express gratitude for something that felt good to you. Keep it authentic, as false positivity can actually cause mistrust between partners, but let it rip. What happens next will hopefully be a cascading effect where you both find more joy.
Deauna Nunes is an associate editor for YourTango who covers pop culture, lifestyle, astrology, and relationship topics. She's had bylines in Emerson College's literary magazine, Generic.
