5 Casual Questions To Ask A Person If You Want To See Who They Really Are
Andrewsd | CanvaHow can you get to know a person and their true character? Research published in the Journal of Psychological Science looked at the benefits of asking people casual questions to figure out who they really are, as opposed to making small talk. The results showed that the most thoughtful question-askers had twice as many meaningful conversations as the small talkers.
Researcher Matthias Mehl, who headed the study, explained that people are social animals who instinctively feel the urge to bond with others. So, having a deep discussion with someone about themselves and what's important to them helps you bond better than engaging in meaningless chatter. So, how do you start profound conversations without making small talk first?
To find out who a person really is at their core, try asking these casual questions:
1. 'How would you explain your life story?'
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This is the best way to start a conversation that will take on a more meaningful tone and help you find out who a person really is. Sometimes you’ll get an instant, amazing answer, which can help the conversation take some interesting twists and turns. Others have trouble getting started, so you’ll have to give them a lift here and there. If you see that they are uncertain and preventing themselves from really expressing their story, you can help them by asking more questions to give them places to start from.
2. 'What are you passionate about?'
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This is a way to get people talking quickly without going to any great lengths. People usually perk up a lot when you ask them about their interests. If you can see that spark of passion in their eyes, you’ve got a great chance of having a wonderful conversation and finding out more about who they really are. Even more convincing: A 2017 study of personality and social psychology found that people who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners and seen as better listeners.
3. 'How would someone who knows you well describe you?'
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This is a question with many possible answers, and it allows a person to think about who they are and how others perceive them, both correctly and incorrectly. You might get some very heartfelt, genuine answers to this one, so sit back and take the opportunity to pay attention to them.
4. 'What gives your life the most meaning?'
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This will help a person introspect on what makes them feel genuinely joyful. We always love to talk about the things that make us smile. It’s easier to open up with questions like this one and get to the core of who a person really is. This question may also lead to an interesting and funny conversation, which is never a bad thing, either.
5. 'What do you wish you could tell people more often?'
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We all have that one really entertaining story from our own lives that we're always ready to narrate at parties or given any other opportunities. Of course, they might tell you they don’t have a story. That's perfectly okay, but you never know. If you probe a little, they might discover the one they hadn't thought about until right then.
And even if they can’t come up with something, you can always move back to any of the other four questions above. In this world of endless, senseless chatter, it has become hard to uncover someone's true, unfiltered character — their true personality traits and how to communicate with them on a thoughtful level, even when it's a person you're dating or already involved in a romantic relationship. Most of us wind up stuck in mindless small talk about the weather and traffic, which leads many of us to struggle while getting to know the true self of a person we could see ourselves falling in love with.
Mykh Goldstein is a writer, artist, blogger, and former contributor to The Mind's Journal.
