Women Who Have Lost Their Mothers Usually Feel These 11 Emotions Almost Daily
morrowlight | ShutterstockIt’s impossible to put the loss of anyone and the grieving experience that follows into a box. It’s like glitter spilled at a party. You think you’ve done your best cleaning up the initial mess and putting everything back in order, but on a random Tuesday two years down the road, you pick up a cushion, and there it is again. Grief is a lifetime experience that changes over time and becomes easier to hold, but especially for women who have lost their mothers, they understand it never goes away.
Women who have lost their mothers still usually feel certain emotions almost daily, and while it looks different for everyone, there’s often solace found in realizing other people share similar experiences. Even if the circumstances or relationships were different, the somewhat taboo conversations about grief feel grounding and supportive. They remind you that you’re not alone, even if it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one in the world navigating with the weight of loss on your shoulders.
Women who have lost their mothers usually feel these 11 emotions almost daily
1. Disbelief
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From picking up their phones to call their mother after a bad day or being detached from the reality of their loss, many adult women who have lost their mothers exist in a state of belief on random days. As family therapist Julie Bjelland explains, sometimes this disbelief is a subconscious coping mechanism for sensitive people navigating their grief journey.
They withhold the reality of the situation from their minds to navigate through daily life, and sometimes that means disregarding the truth of the loss altogether. While this kind of avoidance isn’t always healthy, it can make navigating through tough days a little bit more manageable.
2. Guilt for moving forward
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Many people experience self-blame during the early stages of their grief, believing that they could have done things differently or appreciated their time more. And according to a study from PLOS One, those feelings dwindle with time for most people. However, there’s also an element of guilt that women who have lost their mothers feel about simply living and moving forward.
Even if every day feels like a challenge and they never miss a day without thinking about their mom, there’s still an innate sense of guilt when they experience joy, busy themselves, or move forward without having her there to experience it. It’s natural, but that doesn’t mean it’s always healthy.
Of course, it takes discipline to rewire this guilt-ridden mindset, but the faster we can do it, the more attention we can place on coping with the deep grief we’re facing, rather than adding stress and loathing to an already hard experience.
3. Loneliness and missing ‘home’
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Whether someone has a house, a partner, or other relationships to support them through the lifelong experience of losing their mother, so many women still report feelings of missing their “home” without this pillar of love and warmth in their lives. Even if they didn’t have the best relationship with their mother all the time, her presence as a part of history and generations in their life is still something they find themselves grieving.
While the actual verbal description of missing home isn’t always something people can comprehend, the feelings are common. Whether it's being stuck in the past or feeling hit with waves of nostalgic depression for times they can’t get back, they’re always yearning for something that’s just out of reach.
4. Anger and jealousy
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Even with loved ones and best friends, many women struggle not to feel jealous listening to other people spend time with their mothers. Especially when they’re around someone complaining about their mother or not appreciating their family time, there’s also an element of anger that erupts from the void of their loss.
“Why did this have to happen to me?” and “Why do I deserve this?” are common questions that spiral women into angry mentalities while grieving. While it’s rarely easy to feel these things or ask these questions, mental health experts like Cynthia Vejar suggest that anger can be a “roadmap” for navigating grief.
If you can acknowledge angry thoughts and feelings, without suppressing or ignoring them completely, you can craft self-awareness and progress that works in your best interest, regardless of how unique and complex your grief journey is.
5. Waves of deep sadness
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Initially, many women experience a wave of complex emotions and physiological responses in the wake of their loss. From constant crying to anxiety symptoms and even panic attacks, sometimes the shock of a loss can prompt a million feelings and emotions, making people feel simultaneously lost and stuck.
However, over time, the physical reactions and uncontrollable emotions may become less common, but that doesn’t mean that mood swings like waves of deep sadness don’t still pop up. Whether it’s smelling her perfume on a stranger in the grocery store or hearing her favorite song on the radio, these waves of sadness bring back memories, complex feelings, and any emotions a woman might have suppressed out of fear.
While these can feel impossible to manage, especially when it seems like everyone else has moved on and stopped expressing sympathy for your experience, a mindset shift changes them into gratitude. Appreciate the memories, while also acknowledging the loss. She’s still with you, in your heart and in the world, and every time these waves hit you, they’re simply a reminder of her energy all around.
6. Numbness
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Most people experience a wide range of emotions and coping experiences in the wake of a loss, including emotional numbness and avoidance, but if you’re consistently feeling these emotions over a period of time, it might be a sign of prolonged grief. This mental health concern often leaves people feeling detached and disconnected from their real feelings, making it difficult to truly heal the deep wounds grief has provoked.
Of course, the feelings and grief these women experience will never truly go away, but if they’re not intentional about acknowledging and accepting feelings, they only grow more powerful and influential over their lives.
7. Fear and anxiety
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Especially as time passes and sentimentality somewhat replaces the original sting of grief, many women feel scared or anxious that they’ll start to forget the person they lost. From the sound of their voice to the presence they brought into a room, they feel a sense of desperation to cling to the person they remember, even if the vivid memories are out of reach.
However, sometimes, leaning into what your definition of “remembering” truly is can ease those fears. Every relationship and every individual’s definition of “love” is wildly different from each other. Think about the valuable things you don’t want to forget and start to interweave them into traditions. Start embodying and sharing the love your mother showed you with others.
Learn to appreciate what you have and live by the love you shared with your mother, instead of shaming yourself or living in a state of fear that you’re going to forget her. Because, no matter what, you never will.
8. Deep empathy for shared experiences
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Shared emotion, experiences, and grief are part of what make finding community after dealing with a loss so important. While many women feel like they’re completely isolated from the world while grieving, especially around people who don’t understand or sympathize with their situation, finding people who have been in their shoes makes them feel seen and supported again.
They have a deep empathy and understanding with people who share their struggles and have felt the feelings they’re struggling with. They don’t have to waste energy over-explaining things or seeking sympathy from someone uncomfortable even imagining their situation. They can simply be honest and vulnerable, and receive love and wisdom in return.
9. A sense of resilience and maturity
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Especially if they lost their mothers early or during a challenging season of their lives, adult women may feel an obligation to maturity and resilience that they didn’t have before. They feel more emotionally mature and ready to tackle small inconveniences and challenges, because the hardships they faced crafted a steadfast kind of resilience deep inside of them.
Especially if they’ve cultivated emotional intelligence while navigating all the difficulties of the grief process, they’re more equipped to look out for themselves and boost their emotional well-being along the way.
10. Regret
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Tons of research and studies on people experiencing grief remind us that regret is often a common and natural part of the grief journey. However, just because it’s common and natural doesn’t mean that it’s easy to experience, and in some cases, even express and verbalize. Whether it’s regrets about the circumstances around someone’s loss or guilt about not making “the best use” of their time with a loved one, it’s a complicated feeling to face daily.
You’ve heard it a million times, but you can’t change the past. Everyone grieves and copes differently, but sometimes the best way to honor your loved one is to let go of the unnecessary shame and guilt you’ve been holding yourself to. You’re hurting enough. You don’t deserve to also condemn a past version of yourself who was trying their best.
11. An aching kind of gratitude
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Many people who have experienced deep heartbreak following the loss of a loved one or parent experience it in similar ways to physical ailments and pain. Later in life, they may be able to create space for gratitude and healthy nostalgia, but sometimes that ache in their heart that simply misses “home” and their mom still lingers.
On a daily basis, when something reminds them of their mom, or they’re brought right back into their evolving experience of grief, they can have perspective with the dull ache of a broken heart.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
