When My Kids Left Home, I Thought I’d Be Lost But These 5 Things Made My Empty Nest Feel Less Empty
Cavan-Images | ShutterstockLearning how to overcome your empty nest may seem impossible at first. You may even dread this important transition because it seems like there couldn’t be anything scarier. You’re not alone if you feel this way. Helping your kids on their road to independence is your life’s work.
Launching a kid — that is, getting them off your payroll — can also be one of the most rewarding accomplishments in your life. The middle of this transition can feel messy, though, because your identity as a parent has been so focused and all-consuming. You’ve put your heart and soul into this role that's filled with great challenges and great love. Learn how to overcome empty nest syndrome.
I like to think of the empty nest phase as both your "emptying nest" (when some children leave home) as well as "empty nest" (when the last child leaves home). It’s common to have all kinds of feelings related to this change in your life, including sadness, loss, fear, anxiety, and even grief. Your feelings might be all over the map. It can feel bittersweet at times because you feel a mix of emotions, both positive and negative.
On the one hand, you know in your heart of hearts that your young adult children need to become independent to be successful in life. But, on the other hand, you’re not crazy about how all of this will affect you and who you are if you’re not a full-time mom anymore. Dealing with empty nest syndrome doesn’t have to be scary.
If you feel scared about what your empty nest will mean to you, it’s important to recognize the actual way that you’re thinking about it. The thing is that thoughts simply make up the narrative that you’re repeating to yourself and others about your new empty nest reality. Your empty nest mindset is made up of a combination of facts about the situation and also the way you’re choosing to think about those facts. The good news is that your thinking is optional and you have the choice to tell yourself a different story.
Yes, it takes practice, but it’s possible, and you’ll soon see that you can strike a balance between thinking about what you’re afraid of and also thinking about what you're looking forward to. The bottom line is that you can work on your mindset, and that will help you believe that an empty nest doesn't have to be so scary.
When my kids left home, I thought I'd be lost, but these things made my empty nest feel less empty:
Empty nest tip #1: Feel your feelings
When you set out to become more intentional in your life, the idea isn’t just to be happy all the time. Instead, connect to your feelings and understand the two main ideas. First, what you’re experiencing is part of the path that can lead you to be more intentional about creating a more enjoyable empty nest experience. Take time to notice how you’re feeling and what specific thought is creating that feeling.
Notice the connection and remind yourself that you’re human and you love your kid — you’re just going through a transition. Second, your optional thinking is what is creating the way you’re feeling. You can work on thinking about your empty nest differently. Consider being open to the idea that you can be both sad and happy, fearful and brave, and excited and worried about your kid experiencing life to the fullest with this change. It’s not an "either/or" situation.
People with genuine emotional intelligence do not sidestep difficult feelings, psychologist Nick Wignall explains. They stay present with them, because emotions are not dangerous, no matter how painful they are. Trying to outrun the sadness of an empty nest actually keeps you stuck in it longer than just letting yourself feel it.
Empty nest tip #2: Turn off auto-pilot
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It’s so easy to transition into an empty nest on autopilot. You just think, feel, do, and say things out of habit without necessarily being intentional about what you’re thinking and then doing. You might notice yourself thinking "I hate this" or "I don’t know who I am anymore." It’s easy to miss awareness of empty nest thinking that doesn’t serve you.
Research on empty nest syndrome identifies parents who stay on autopilot as the ones most likely to experience prolonged distress, reacting to the change rather than actively noticing the thoughts driving those reactions. Awareness of your actual thinking patterns is one of the first documented steps out of that cycle.
Without awareness, you typically stay stuck, lonely, or discontent. Once you identify what you’re actually thinking, ask yourself if you like your reasons. When you feel more in control and sure of yourself, you can overcome your empty nest fears.
Empty nest tip #3: Decide how you want this chapter to feel
When you decide how you want to experience your empty nest, you can learn how to create it for yourself. You can decide how you want to show up in your relationship with your young adult. You will likely need to make a few changes in the way you view your relationship, how often you call and visit, what conversations you initiate, and expectations about the amount of information that's shared with you.
For women navigating exactly this kind of life transition, Monica Ramunda, a couples counselor and therapist, explains that change can teach you things about yourself that staying comfortable never would have. Getting intentional about the transition is how you shift from someone the change is happening to into someone actively shaping what comes next.
The way you think about your kid at this age may also have to be tweaked in terms of independence, capability, and risk tolerance. It’s time to rethink how you want to relate to your child, who is now in his or her own transition. There’s less fear when you are clear about what you want.
Empty nest tip #4: Treat this stage like your turn
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As an empty nest parent, your child isn’t the only one who has new opportunities. So do you and they can be pretty exciting. The sky really is the limit. You likely have a little more time and flexibility than you’ve had in years. The excuses and things that made dreaming less feasible in the past can be revisited.
You can have fun saying "yes" more often and being genuinely curious about what you want, what you feel ready to prioritize, and what you’re ready to commit to.
When people pursue goals they have actually chosen for themselves rather than goals that just fill old habits, the research shows they report higher life satisfaction and more genuine enjoyment of the work involved in achieving said goals. The empty nest is one of the rare windows in adult life when you get to build from scratch again.
Empty nest tip #5: Decide to love your life
One of the best ways to overcome your empty nest is to decide to do so. This is an option that you may not realize you have because it’s so common to respond to your empty nest rather than create it yourself. You have an opportunity right now to tell yourself the story that you want about your empty nest on purpose. What do you want to think? How do you want to feel? What do you want to do?
You can create this experience and decide it will be amazing. Once you’re clear on the result you want for yourself, then you create the mindset that will support this outcome. You have more power than you think. Your empty nest welcomes you.
A 2023 study found that older adults who received training in positive thinking reported meaningful improvements in both resilience and life satisfaction compared to a control group. Deciding how you want to approach your empty nest is one of the most evidence-backed moves available to you.
Having an empty nest is such an interesting phase of being a parent. While it can be a notable transition fraught with some challenging and sometimes difficult personal adjustments, it can also be an exciting and fun time in your life.
What if you embraced this exciting new phase instead of fearing it? What if you saw it as a time of self-discovery and personal growth? When you’re open to the idea that your next chapter could be way more fun than you thought, the possibilities are endless!
Suzy Rosenstein, MA, is a master certified life coach, midlife coach, mentor, and host of the popular podcast for midlife women, Women in the Middle.
