11 Seemingly Minor Ways Fully Grown Kids Make Their Parents Feel Utterly Disrespected
Hryshchyshen Serhii | ShutterstockOnce kids are fully grown, their relationship with their parents naturally changes, but that doesn't mean parents stop wanting to feel appreciated and respected. There are certainly some things adult children do that make their parents feel disrespected, even when it's not on purpose.
These little habits might not seem like a big deal, but they can make parents feel like they don't have a real place in their children's lives anymore.
The things adult kids do that actually make their parents feel disrespected:
1. They brush off their parents' advice
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Something adult children don't realize they do to make their parents feel disrespected is brushing off their advice. More often than not, parents want to be seen as a source of support for their adult children. They might not be responsible for keeping them clothed and fed anymore, but parents never stop being parents.
Even though their kids are well into adulthood, parents still want to be of use to them, and offering advice is one way to show how much they care.
Every parent has a unique dynamic with their children, and it's easy for both sides to fall back into old patterns of relating. It's highly likely for an adult child's inner teenage attitude to bubble up when their parents give them advice. They reject what their parents say without considering their perspective or appreciating the wisdom they've gathered over the years.
Adult children don't always want advice from their parents, especially if that advice is unsolicited or has a critical undertone. It's worthwhile for parents and their adult children to have open, honest conversations about how they want to show up for each other, including exchanging advice.
2. They act like their parents' experiences don't matter
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Another thing adult children don't realize they do to make their parents feel disrespected is dismissing their experiences. While the world now is a very different place from the world their parents came of age in, when adult children act like their experiences don't matter, it makes parents feel rejected.
A study published in the "International Journal of Advanced Research and Innovative Ideas in Education" described social validation as a tool people use to determine how to act in accordance with social norms, noting that "people often look to others' behavior in deciding how to behave across situations, especially in ambiguous situations."
Everyone wants to feel seen and understood, especially by their family. When adult children dismiss what their parents went through, it can make their parents feel like their lives and lessons do not count.
Adult children tend to forget that their parents had full lives before becoming parents. There are aspects of life, now, that don't align seamlessly with how older generations experienced their lives, but that doesn't invalidate how they feel. Modern technology, the job market, and methods for raising kids don't look like they did in previous decades, yet beneath it all, the essential human truths remain constant.
Compassion and connection lie at the core of validating anyone's experience, including our parents.
3. They judge the way their parents live
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Judging their lifestyle is something adult children don't realize they do, which makes their parents feel disrespected.
There are social and cultural divisions between Boomers and their Gen X and millennial kids, just as there are differences in how Gen X and millennials relate to their Gen Z and Gen Alpha children. Yet those differences aren't an excuse to pass judgment.
Adult children might get frustrated because every FaceTime involves a reminder to move their thumb off the camera lens. They might dislike their parents' habit of changing their order at least 5 times at a restaurant.
Criticizing them won't change how they live, but it will change the quality of the relationship adult children have with their parents.
4. They forget important occasions
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Overlooking important occasions is a thing adult children don't realize they do that makes their parents feel disrespected. While they weren't at their parents' wedding in 1979, acknowledging their anniversary is still a nice gesture and a simple way to show they care about their parents as more than just the people who raised them, but as fully realized people in their own right.
Their parents might not love their birthday or embrace the fact that they're getting older, but sending birthday wishes is a simple, tangible way to express affection and care. Important occasions are important for a reason: They represent more than just the passing of time. They're a marker of all the ways people evolve and the milestones they hit along the way.
Adult children don't necessarily have to celebrate their parents in an extravagant, over-the-top way, but they should do what they can to recognize them on special days and, ideally, on regular days as well.
5. They don't make time for their parents
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Something adult children don't realize they do that makes their parents feel disrespected is not spending time with them or staying in touch. Growing up, moving out, and establishing independent lives are essential for adult children, but disregarding their need for continued emotional connection can make parents question what they mean to their kids.
That's not to say that adult children should drop everything to visit their parents or respond to every text immediately. Yet the strength of any relationship depends on communication.
Love in action means showing up in the ways you can for the people you care about. Staying in touch might mean sending photos of the grandkids at the end of the week or calling while they cook dinner.
Keeping up a sense of connection doesn't have to be an all-consuming activity. It can be as simple as sending a text asking how they're doing. When adult children don't make time for their parents, it sends a fairly clear message about where their priorities lie.
6. They keep bringing up old mistakes
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Adult children don't realize that bringing up past mistakes makes their parents feel disrespected. It's one thing to have constructive conversations about difficult memories or painful experiences, and another thing altogether to reopen old wounds without any attempt to heal them.
Adult children have the right to question their parents and interpret their childhoods in ways that feel true to them, but constantly referring to their parents' mistakes can make it seem like they're stuck in old stories that no longer help them.
When adult children bring up the same mistakes over and over, parents may feel like they're being punished again and again for something they can't change. Psychotherapist Diane Barth explained that holding a grudge often says less about the original mistake and more about how the person holding on to it sees the situation.
Grudges can make one person feel completely right and the other completely wrong, leaving very little room for understanding, repair, or a better relationship moving forward.
7. They compare their parents to other people's parents
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Something adult children don't realize they do that makes their parents feel disrespected is comparing them to other people's parents. Every family operates differently. What works for one family unit might not work for another.
When adult children repeatedly mention that their friends’ parents paid for their entire family to take a cruise around the Caribbean or that their in-laws would never cook with frozen vegetables, it makes their parents feel insecure and inferior. They start to wonder if they're good parents at all or if they should act more like a set of parents they've never met before.
As the saying goes, comparison is the thief of joy. The more that adult children compare their parents to other people, the more they focus on what they're lacking, and the less they enjoy what their parents do give them.
8. They forget to say thank you
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Adult children don't realize that forgetting to extend gratitude towards their parents makes them feel disrespected. One of the first things children learn after they start talking is to say "please" and "thank you." When parents teach their kids good manners, they're building a foundation of gratitude for them to draw on throughout their lives.
Adult children who don't express gratitude for their parents make them feel unappreciated, which erodes the sense of closeness between them.
Sara Algoe, a social psychologist at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, put forward the "find-remind-bind" theory of relationships, which holds that gratitude is essential to long-term relationships. While Algoe's theory focused on romantic relationships, the same idea applies to family relationships as well.
Expressing gratitude does not have to be a grand gesture to matter. Even a simple thank you can help someone feel seen, appreciated, and loved.
Adult children often underestimate how much their parents want to know they did right by their kids, so they forget to say that simple phrase they learned as toddlers: thank you.
9. They ignore family traditions
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Another thing adult children don't realize they do to make their parents feel disrespected is ignoring family traditions. Holidays might not mean the same thing they did when they were younger, but taking part in traditions is a way to honor their parents and keep important family customs alive for future generations.
Adult children might not be able to fly from California to Connecticut for Thanksgiving dinner with their parents, but they can still keep traditions alive with a new twist. They can bake the apple pie their mom always made, using a recipe her mom gave them, and take photos of the finished product to share. They can record their kids on Christmas morning, opening presents and eating chocolate chip pancakes, just like they did when they were young.
As time passes, family traditions may take different forms, but the love and care at their core remain strong.
10. They make fun of their parents’ habits
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Adult children often make fun of their parents' habits without realizing it, which makes their parents feel disrespected. Being called out for how you do things doesn't feel good for anyone.
The intention behind teasing their parents might not be malicious, but it can still hurt their parents and make them feel like they're doing something wrong. Laughing with someone is very different from laughing at someone.
Adult children might not think they're causing any harm when they poke fun at the turtleneck-and-sweatpants combination their parents wear, but joking about their fashion choices or their quirky habit of storing tissues in the sleeves of that turtleneck makes their parents feel disrespected and on display.
11. They fail to notice when their parents' needs change
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Adult children don't realize that failing to recognize their parents' needs makes them feel disrespected. Aging is inevitable, but that doesn't make it easy to accept.
As parents get older, they often need more emotional and practical support from their adult children, which can be a complicated experience for everyone involved. When adult children don't acknowledge that their parents' needs are changing, it can cause friction and negatively affect how their parents feel about aging.
A study published in the journal "Innovation in Aging" found that how people feel about aging is closely tied to how well they age. People who felt more satisfied with aging tended to have better cognitive functioning and physical health. The study also noted that family connections are an important source of support for older people, especially when adult children make their parents feel cared for, useful, and still connected to the people they love.
It's not easy for adult children to watch their parents grow older, but the aging process can reveal the depth of their relationship and strengthen their connection.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
