5 Things A Therapist Does To Turn Ungrateful Children Into Kids Who Appreciate What They Have
Maël BALLAND | UnsplashMany parents are thinking, "My child is ungrateful! How do I teach them to focus less on material things and be more thankful?" It’s not surprising that kids are overall less thankful than they used to be.
A study tracked materialism in 355,000 high school seniors from 1976 to 2007 and found that the desire for lots of money has increased markedly since the mid-1970s, while willingness to work hard decreased. Among kids surveyed, 62 percent who answered between 2005 and 2007 thought it was important to have lots of money and nice things. Meanwhile, just 48 percent had this view from 1976 to 1978. That’s a huge difference.
If it feels like your child shrugs off everything you do for them, from meals on the table to gifts they barely notice, you're not alone. A therapist says what looks like 'ingratitude' is often a skill gap, not a personality flaw, and with a few adjustments in how you respond, you can help your child move from expecting everything to truly valuing what they have.
Here are 5 things a therapist does to turn ungrateful children into kids who appreciate what they have:
1. Model the behavior you want to see
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Science has suggested that kids who have a more developed sense of gratitude and appreciation are not only less depressed and materialistic, but they're also less envious of others and even tend to do better at school. All of which leads to a better outlook on life in general. Yet, it’s a little unrealistic to think that your kids won’t be materialistic if you are.
Children pay all kinds of attention to the behavior of their parents, and if they see them wanting the latest car, the fastest computer, and the latest fashions, it’s a good bet that they will want the same — after all, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. If you're thinking, "My child is ungrateful," you may want to check and see if you are, too.
2. Volunteer with your children
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It is always a wonderful time to start volunteering with your children because there are so many opportunities available and people in need of help. Consider baking cookies together and taking them to a local nursing home, passing them out to all the residents, or visiting a homeless shelter and helping prepare and serve meals. These are excellent, easy ways to role model giving rather than taking.
There is an added benefit as well: Studies have shown that children who volunteer learn to think of others rather than just focusing on themselves. The act of helping strangers, rather than just friends or family, is especially effective at boosting children's confidence and self-worth.
3. Make appreciation part of your daily routine
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Being thankful is a learned behavior. A study explained that when young children are happy when they help or share with others, even from a young age, they will want to be kind again. This creates a cycle of kindness. Early feelings of gratitude also motivate children to pay back those who helped them and to pay it forward to others. Therefore, it's something you can teach your children. A simple exercise that helps children be more thankful is practicing gratitude daily.
When you sit down with your children at dinner, go around the table and take turns naming one thing you're thankful for that happened during the day. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a material item. In fact, it would be better if it weren’t, because it helps children learn that there's more to be thankful for than just stuff.
Parents can set an example by talking about how they're thankful for the food they’re eating. Or, they can also talk about how they’re thankful for the grandparents' help in babysitting. When parents show they’re thankful for other things besides material possessions, it helps teach kids the same thing, and the result is they become less materialistic.
4. Give them less
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One of the easiest ways to help kids learn to be thankful for what they have is simply to give them less. How can you value anything when you have too much of something? The answer is that you can’t. Giving your children less helps them appreciate what they already have.
Another way to help kids be less materialistic is to help them really focus on celebrating what the giving is truly supposed to be about — being with friends and family. Consider making handmade gifts or planning experiences for friends and family for birthdays and holidays. The added benefit is that homemade gifts or planned experiences help teach kids that great gifts don’t necessarily need to come from a store.
5. Write thank-you notes together
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Sending handwritten "thank you" notes may seem a bit old-fashioned in this day and age, but it’s actually one of the best ways to help teach your children to be more thankful. A study of developmental processes associated with gratitude helped explain how children learn good manners (after all, very few people take the time and effort to send a written thank you anymore), but it also helps them focus on being and showing gratefulness for something and someone.
The added benefit is that if it’s a grandparent, other friend, or relative receiving the "thank you" note, it will make their day, too. A handwritten "thank you" quickly becomes the gift that keeps on giving. If you practice these tips, then pretty soon, instead of thinking, "My child is ungrateful," you may be telling everyone, "My child is humble and caring."
Christina Steinorth-Powell, LMFT, is a psychotherapist, relationship expert, and the author of three books. Her advice has been featured on Fox News, NBC, CBS, and in publications such as the Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Woman's Day, Glamour, and The Chicago Tribune, among many others.
