People Raised In Controlling Households Often Say 11 Phrases Without Realizing Where They Even Came From
CarlosBarquero | ShutterstockGrowing up in a controlling household can profoundly and permanently shape how a person interacts with others. These toxic environments are filled with rigid rules and unrealistic expectations for perfection. Parents often discourage independence and autonomy in favor of obedience, not to protect their child from harm, but to have power over them.
Over the years, these children lose their ability to separate themselves from their parents, both physically and emotionally. They may frequently use phrases that instantly reveal they were raised in a controlling household, as they are now plagued with issues that only changed behavior and therapy can fix.
People raised in controlling households often say things without knowing why:
1. 'I don't want to cause any trouble'
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If you find yourself using this phrase, it might be worth exploring where this comes from. Think about your childhood and try to remember a time when someone made you think less of yourself just because you shared your opinion.
If it was easier for you to stay quiet to avoid making trouble for other people, chances are you grew up in a controlling and hostile environment. This could have serious consequences if you don't address it as an adult.
People who see themselves as a burden will ultimately struggle with their self-esteem and their ability to maintain friendships. According to a study published in the Journal of Research on Adolescence, young people who experience high levels of control from their parents are more likely to struggle with balancing autonomy and closeness in relationships, with both peers and romantic partners.
These difficulties persist into early adulthood and affect a person's ability to form interpersonal connections. So don't let what you went through in the past define your future, because you risk losing the people closest to you.
2. 'Let me check before I decide'
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Growing up, if you wanted something, you needed permission from a parent or other authority figure to get it. Now, as an adult, you second-guess every decision you make, saying things like "Let me check" or "I need to ask before I decide," both of which are phrases that instantly reveal you were raised in a controlling household.
Going to another person for advice makes you doubt yourself and can make you seem indecisive to others. The crux of these issues tends to be a result of controlling parenting in children who suffer from anxiety or depression in adulthood.
As board-certified psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carrie Barron pointed out, depression and anxiety can lead to indecision as a person becomes overwhelmed by the fear of making the wrong choice or even facing potential negative outcomes. When you fear making a choice, you can ruin your chances of taking opportunities that are good for you.
Barron also noted that this stems from self-doubt rooted in past experiences. If you had a parent who was critical of you and made you feel like a failure, you are more likely to seek approval from others.
3. 'I'm sorry, I know it's my fault'
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Taking responsibility for something that wasn't even your fault or beyond your control as a way to keep the peace was a form of psychological abuse. As a result, you internalize the belief that your worth is tied to keeping others happy rather than your own.
As professor of human behavior Melody Wilding put it, over-apologizing stems from a deep-seated need for approval and a fear of conflict. People who do this are conditioned to placate others to maintain harmony. Growing up in a home life riddled with constant criticism or unpredictable mood swings, where blame shifted from one person to another, can lead people to avoid conflict at all costs. Apologizing right away becomes the default because it solved their issues in the past.
But only by standing up for yourself and setting boundaries with others can help you overcome this. Letting go of the people-pleasing behaviors is the first step towards healing. Recognize this phrase for what it is: a relic from a controlling environment you are no longer in.
4. 'It's fine, really'
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When someone says they are fine when you know they should show some emotion, it's a sign they grew up in a home where they had to suppress themselves. Shrinking down was the only way they could find peace in a home with conflicting viewpoints and big personalities.
When they were young, their parents made them believe their feelings were inconvenient. As adults, they suppress their emotions too. According to research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, people who suppress their emotions may experience lower social support and satisfaction. This suppression is often learned in controlling environments where a parent invalidated their feelings.
Breaking away from these patterns requires you to recalibrate your thought processes and the way you communicate. It's not easy to unlearn everything you were taught, especially when it was under a home life that constantly silenced you.
5. 'I just want everyone to be happy'
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Growing up in a turbulent household where you never knew what mood people would be in forced you to quickly learn to regulate everyone else's emotions. You learned to put others first because that was the only way to achieve peace and stability.
As an adult, you continue that people-pleasing behavior, which negatively affects your relationships with others. As psychotherapist Ilene Strauss Cohen, PhD, explained, this behavior leads people to alter their personal lives to align with others even at the expense of their self-identity and their own emotional regulation.
Trying to make others happy will lead to nothing but stress and emotional exhaustion. Wanting others to be happy is a natural part of the human experience, but it becomes unhealthy when it turns into a compulsive habit.
6. 'I didn't know I could say no'
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Controlling parents make decisions for their children when they are young, but some take it to extremes. They want their children to do everything they ask at the drop of a hat, which later leads them to say "yes" even when they don't really want to.
According to clinical and forensic psychologist Ahona Guha, every commitment made by saying "yes" comes at a cost, like lost time or energy that could have been allocated elsewhere. These people suddenly feel obligated to do what is asked of them because, in childhood, they felt that same pressure to do what their parents wanted.
If you're one of these people, the easiest way to work through this fear is to build your self-esteem and self-worth. You have to counter what your parents taught you and learn new ways to lift yourself up. Realize that it's okay to make choices that serve you, not others.
7. 'I need to be perfect'
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Telling yourself you need to be perfect is actually one of the phrases that instantly reveals you were raised in a controlling household. Growing up, you were expected to be perfect to get any love or emotional feedback. When people feel the need to be perfectionists as adults, it's a clear sign their childhood was riddled with criticism about every aspect of their life. This could have been their academic achievements or even their hobby choices.
They quickly learned to adapt and shape themselves into the mold their parents wanted. According to the International Journal of Cognitive Therapy, self-criticism can develop when people internalize harsh parental expectations, leading to feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing. The belief is that you will never measure up to their expectations and that you must agree with their opinions of you.
The best way to fix this as an adult is to start setting boundaries. Let them know that there are certain things they should not say about you. Setting boundaries with family members about their criticisms can be hard, but it can also be worth it.
8. 'I don't know what I want'
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Not knowing where you want to go or who you want to be may seem normal, but it's actually a response to an overcontrolled upbringing. People feel stuck in life, unsure what to do. They may struggle to make choices for themselves and have an internal fear of the unknown.
People assume controlling households rarely show signs of neglect due to the control aspect of it all, but there are forms of emotional neglect. A study published by JAMA Pediatrics found that the effects of childhood neglect can alter brain function that impacts areas focused on emotional regulation and decision-making.
This can make it hard to know what you want and where your life is headed. Validating your own experiences can be the first step in your healing journey. Once you realize you can, then you can take small steps to regain yourself and figure out what you really want out of life.
9. 'I hate making decisions'
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Controlling parents never let you make your own decisions. This could be because they want power or control over you, or because they don't trust you. Because they don't include you in important decisions, as an adult you have to learn through trial and error, often using phrases like this because of their overbearing nature. This could have been avoided if they had taught you lessons that would have better prepared you to make decisions in the future.
According to a study published in Cognitive Neuropsychiatry, childhood trauma can make people try to avoid losses or bad outcomes more and struggle with decision-making as adults. If you grew up in an environment where everything was controlled and choices were made for you, the fear of having to make your own choices can make you hate decisions.
10. 'I'm used to keeping things to myself'
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When a child is raised with controlling parents, they find it hard to trust others due to being manipulated. Overbearing parents also limit their children's opportunities to interact with their peers independently. This can cause them to develop poor social skills, and they end up justifying their actions by saying they keep things to themselves, which becomes one of the phrases that instantly reveal you were raised in a controlling household.
According to a study published in the Annual Review of Psychology, children raised by overly controlling parents develop socially withdrawn behaviors that increase social anxiety and isolation into adulthood. Self-isolation can make things even worse, but it's understandable when you already keep to yourself.
There are different things that you can do to help cope with childhood trauma, like journaling or speaking to people you are close to. Journaling is therapeutic, and speaking with a professional can help you uncover patterns in your behavior that may stem from your childhood experiences.
11. 'That's just how I was raised'
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Being under surveillance your entire life is hard to get over. It can take years of therapy and coping mechanisms to try to feel normal when you don't even know what normal feels like. You go from a parent monitoring your life, messages, and time alone to being suddenly thrown into the world to navigate it yourself.
The worst part about all of this is that when you get the chance to confront your parents about the way they treated you, you're gaslit or guilt-tripped into believing their treatment was okay. A study from Frontiers in Psychology found that maternal psychological control, such as guilt or invalidation, of their children's feelings negatively impacted their child's emotional regulation and social competence.
For many, this is just how they were raised. All they can do now is unpack the baggage their parents left behind and hope that, with a little work, they can feel better about themselves someday.
Sylvia Ojeda is an author with a decade of experience writing novels and screenplays. She writes about self-help, relationships, culture, and human-interest topics.
