People Who Grew Up In Unstable Homes Often Do 7 Things Differently Than Those Raised With Structure
Roman Tymochko | UnsplashThose who grew up in unstable homes understand the weight of the memories that come with it — memories that are a big part of who we are. Growing up with insecurity or instability affects the way you love, so you show you do things differently than people who were raised with structure.
Psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk, who spent his professional life studying how children and adults respond to trauma, explained: "Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies. The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become experts at ignoring their gut feelings and numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from themselves.”
People who grew up in unstable homes often do 7 things differently than those raised with structure:
1. They can be a bit overprotective
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We’ve spent most of our lives trying to protect someone in our household from getting hurt. That need to play the role of protector follows us, even after we leave that toxic environment. We’re on guard for when anyone tries to hurt you, and we can sometimes be a little paranoid about it.
2. They can't stand tension
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Because we can’t stand tension. It’s like walking on a minefield for us. The anxiety of it all pushes us to be blunt with you. If we have a problem, we’ll say it, not because we want to make you feel bad about yourself, but because we want to get it out of the way and move on. We’re still struggling to learn to be assertive because we were punished for it in our households. The last thing we want to do is create potential conflict, but we also recognize that it’s important to have confrontation in a relationship.
3. They have trouble being vulnerable
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"Chances are that if you were raised in a negative environment, you will see the world through a dark lens yourself," advised therapist Dr. Gloria Brame, Ph.D, "This can manifest as trust issues, suspicions, or paranoia about others potentially harming you, and even feelings of hopelessness and despair about the meaning of life." It takes people from broken homes a long time before we let our guard down because we were hurt so many times at home. So if we do open ourselves up to you, we really like you and, more importantly, we trust you.
4. They struggle with emotional regulation
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We like to think we’re emotionally intelligent. But in reality, we’ve kept our emotions in a jack-in-the-box (which is why we tend to blow up at the wrong times). Hypnotherapist Michele Molitor explained: "Feeling you are not enough pushes you to hide and not value yourself or your inherent gifts and talents. Overgiving and people-pleasing to try to win over the love and appreciation of others. Being emotionally unavailable and closed off from having fulfilling relationships in your own life."
5. They have trust issues
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We’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, but we’ll be cautious about it in the beginning. It's nothing against you. Many people have failed us in the past, and we're scared to take that risk again. A study of adult attachment showed how childhood neglect can be associated with higher levels of anxious attachment style in adulthood, meaning individuals may experience anxiety about relationships and fear abandonment.
Vulnerability is a big deal, and we understand that. Couples counselor Larry Michel explained: "A predominantly negative home is a home that focuses on all the things we don't have, every which way to make a person or people wrong, and where parents and siblings are quick to call or give others demeaning names, like lazy, irresponsible, liar, and lazy. We know deep inside we are capable and caring people, but our homes are not where we go to get that feedback. When these signs are blatantly present, friends, teachers, mentors, and advisors are important to receive the positive reflections that all of us benefit from."
6. They may not say, 'I love you' often
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Not just because we’re bad at expressing emotions, but because it’s something that held so many heavy meanings at home. It’s a term that brings so many intense memories for us.
Therapist Dr. Jonice Webb, Ph.D., described the process of how this happens: "As a child, no one noticed enough what you were feeling or what you needed. You received covert messages to guide your life. Silent, unintended, and usually invisible, these messages took root early and well. As you went through adolescence, they undermined the self-confidence and self-knowledge you should have gathered. As you grew into adulthood, they prevented you from making the right choices. As you formed relationships and fell in love, they prevented you from valuing yourself."
7. They are incredibly compassionate
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Dr. Webb added that people who were neglected as children or come from broken homes "are some of the most likable in this world. Compassionate, giving, and selfless, you are the one your friends seek out when they need help, advice, or support. You are there for your family and friends, and maybe even strangers, too. Others know that they can rely on you." People who grew up like this know pain, which is why we’re empathetic to your pain (in addition to all those hugs and kisses). We want others to feel comfortable, so maybe we can feel it too.
Marie Cyprien is a writer, researcher, library assistant, and editor whose work has been featured on Black Enterprise, Guideposts, Puckermob, The Oklahoma Eagle, and more.
