The Honest Confessions Of Mothers Who Regret Having Children
Dikushin Dmitry | Shutterstock"You don't understand love until you have kids."
"Motherhood is the most fulfilling thing you'll ever do." "You don't want children? Doesn't that seem selfish? What's going to give your life meaning? Who's going to take care of you when you're old?"
As a child-free woman, I've heard all these comments countless times, yet studies show that parents are no happier than non-parents. In fact, child-free people often report better relationships, more financial stability, and higher levels of life satisfaction. So why are women still universally encouraged to have kids?
Honest confessions of mothers who regret having children
Kelly Sikkema / Unsplash
For one, parents often think they're more fulfilled, even if daily measures of well-being say otherwise. For another, admitting that you regret having kids is considered pretty taboo… especially if you're a woman. Emily Guarnotta, PsyD, PMH-C, is a licensed clinical psychologist, a certified perinatal mental health specialist, and the co-founder of Phoenix Health: a safe space for the hardest parts of parenthood. "Studies suggest that between 5% and 15% of mothers regret having children," Dr. Guarnotta said, "but I believe the real numbers are actually higher."
According to Dr. Guarnotta, "Our society tells us that motherhood is the ultimate goal and natural instinct for all women. If a woman doesn't love every second of it, she's labeled as broken or selfish. Fathers, on the other hand, tend to get much more grace. […] If a father checks out emotionally, regrets having kids, or leaves, we're disappointed but not surprised. When a mother does, society judges her much more harshly."
And right now, motherhood is especially difficult. "Mothers today are expected to parent like they don't work and work like they don't have children," Dr. Guarnotta said. She also cites the high cost of childcare, a lack of paid family leave, a limited village to rely on, and increased pressure to oversee every detail of your child's development.
Maternal regret isn't black-and-white, either. Many moms love their kids, yet realize that if they could do it over, they wouldn't have them.
"We assume that if you have regret, you must not love your child, which simply isn't true," Dr. Guarnotta said. "A woman can love her children deeply and also resent how it's changed her life. She loves the person, but regrets the job."
Unspoken regrets turn into chronic stress, anxiety, or deep resentment, and your kids are likely to pick up on these emotions. Children may subconsciously feel like burdens, or assume it's their responsibility to fix your sadness. "Discussing regret doesn't make you a bad mom or worsen these feelings," Dr. Guarnotta said. Actually, it's the opposite. "Saying these things out loud takes the power out of them and provides an opportunity to feel less alone."
Ideally, you'd seek out a therapist, but on an online forum I found a community where women share their regrets. I asked if any of them would speak with me, and multiple women were more than willing to share their stories.
These are the true confessions of mothers who regret having kids.
Ava confessed that parenting a high-needs child consumed her whole identity
"Raising a special needs child [is] like checking the ‘hard mode' box of regular parenting and then realizing you accidentally checked the 'impossible mode' box."
Ava*, 29, is a stay-at-home mother who breeds exotic animals in New Mexico. At 23, she had her daughter: a micropreemie who spent three months in the NICU at a hospital hours away. After giving birth, Ava's own physical and mental health deteriorated significantly. She soon found herself alone and chronically ill while caring for a high-needs daughter, who now has severe ADHD, suspected autism, and violent outbursts.
As a full-time caregiver, Ava also can't work and struggles financially. "I knew it would be hard," she said. "I used to babysit for all different types of kids, including special needs. But I got to go home at the end of the day and peacefully exist. If that's your child… well, you never get to clock out."
In fact, without a village to rely on, Ava did not get a single meaningful break from parenting until her daughter started school at age six: "You become a shell of yourself because you have to dedicate every waking moment to the next behavioral issue or crisis. You aren't YOU anymore. You're [your child's mom]. Profound identity loss. I often wonder how far I could have gone in my breeding projects and other passions if that time and energy had been available to invest elsewhere. […] I didn't expect how empty I would become."
Ava warns other women that if they're on the fence about kids, they shouldn't do it. "The sacrifices are real, permanent, and often much larger than people anticipate."
Kaya confessed that she was pressured into motherhood and paid for it with her health
"Physically, I almost died [in childbirth]. Psychologically, motherhood took everything from me, and then some."
Kaya*, 31, lives in Lower Saxony, Germany. Since she was eight years old, she knew she didn't want kids, but everyone around her insisted she'd change her mind once she met the right partner. When Kaya first married her now ex-husband, she was the breadwinner. Then he coerced her to quit her job and have children, expressing the need to pass on his "great lineage." He became increasingly more abusive.
"Each of the three births was harder than the last," said Kaya. Despite near-death complications, permanent back damage, scarring, and numb spots left over from epidurals, Kaya was "responsible for everything after getting home from the hospital."
For a decade, she cared for the kids alone. On the rare occasion the father (a police officer) was home, he drank, smoked weed, and played video games, all while pushing for a fourth child, which would increase his pay. Then, four years ago, Kaya suffered a mental breakdown.
"My personality fractured under the extreme weight, and when small pieces of 'me' came back, it was so unbearable I attempted suicide." She was sent to inpatient treatment and diagnosed with PTSD and a dissociative disorder. The children went to live with their father. According to Kaya, they don't clear their plates there, put clothes in the laundry basket, or flush the toilet. "They are not taught how to be functional human beings." Kaya even attended an emergency court hearing after her kids' father left them unsupervised overnight, but everyone was still on his side.
Kaya realized that she couldn't win. She also realized that she was fighting for something she didn't enjoy or want, and couldn't sustain. This month was the first time she didn't contact her ex and ask to see the kids. She feels a combination of guilt, shame, relief, and grief over the person she could've become if she hadn't been forced into motherhood.
Monika Grabkowska / Unsplash+
Chandi confessed that she regretted motherhood almost instantly and felt forgotten
"I'm tired of being defined only as a mother. I am still me, but nobody cares to see it."
Chandi, 43, is an e-commerce manager from California. She became a mother later in life and instantly regretted it. "At the time of the birth, something felt off. I experienced this unshakable sense of dread knowing I'd be stuck with [my son] forever and that I would be shunned by society," she said. "I didn't want to hold him or even touch him."
For over a year, she told no one about these feelings. She worried that the medical community would label her as depressed or hormonal, and someone would send CPS to her door. But according to Dr. Guarnotta, while maternal regret may overlap with postpartum depression (PPD), they're not the same, and they shouldn't be treated as such.
Chandi struggles to understand the bond her husband (a "great father") shares with their child, and the way her siblings seem "obsessed with their kids." The media made her feel as though motherhood would be fulfilling and glamorous, but in actuality, Chandi feels a glaring loss of identity.
"Us women especially are expected to forget our old lives and rebrand ourselves strictly as mothers the instant our child is born. Everything suddenly becomes all about [the baby, while the mother is] discarded and forgotten. It is such a stark contrast from how I was treated just minutes before, when I was still pregnant. I suffered complications after birth that landed me back in the hospital. One of my nurses said to me with an attitude, 'You better figure it out and get better quick so you can take care of that baby.'"
Chandi feels as though motherhood is a prison, and her child is the guard, dictating what she can and cannot do every single day. "His birth robbed me of my freedom, my identity, and my autonomy."
Maria confessed that she loves her kids, but hates doing motherhood mostly alone
"Many men want to have babies, but they don't necessarily want to be fathers […] You are doing it alone."
Maria (not to be confused with the author) is a 43-year-old stay-at-home parent, college student, and former medical assistant/phlebotomist in New England. She married her first husband when she was 19 years old. Maria is of Italian and Greek heritage, and the women in her family made marriage and motherhood seem like "a prize." This narrative was imposed on her as a young girl. "I wish that just one of those female relatives would have pulled me aside and told me to prioritize my education and career," she said.
But after Maria was diagnosed with PCOS, her husband pushed her to take fertility drugs and use artificial insemination. Maria had her first child at 22, later remarried, and then had two more. Her second son was about three years old when he started exhibiting signs of autism and ADHD. Maria recounts the moment she first regretted becoming a mother:
"I had to take my son to the doctor. [He was playing with the toys in the waiting room, but when it was time to go, he] started to throw a full-on tantrum. He went dead weight and began to kick and scream. I gathered him in my arms and left the office with people staring at me like I was a monster. It was pouring rain that day, and by the time we got to the car, we were both soaked. […] My son fought me so hard and refused to sit in the car seat. He managed to swing his left leg and kicked me full force in my left eye. I shut the car door and got into the driver's seat, buckled myself up, and just sobbed."
Throughout two marriages, three C-sections, years of breastfeeding, and countless sleepless nights, Maria has had almost no help. Her current husband is the "deepest sleeper [she's] ever met," and he never got up at night when the babies cried, even when she was recovering from surgery.
Maria's youngest is now five. Her own basic needs (like sleep, showering, and medical attention) still go unmet, worsened by perimenopause. "Many men want to have babies, but they don't necessarily want to be fathers," Maria said. "These grown men will feign incompetence when it comes to things like cooking and cleaning so that women pick up the slack."
On the worst days, Maria wishes she had the nerve to pack up and leave, "but [the] kids didn't ask to be here. I chose to bring them here, and while I hate motherhood, I love them."
If you're struggling with motherhood, postpartum depression, anxiety, or thoughts that scare you, you're not a bad mom, and you don't have to handle it alone. Call or text the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline at 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262) for free, confidential, 24/7 support in English and Spanish. You can also visit Postpartum Support International for support groups, provider referrals, and resources for moms and families.
*Some women opted to use pseudonyms to protect their identities, but all other information is honest and accurate to the best of my knowledge.
Maria Cassano is a writer, editor, and journalist whose work has appeared on NBC, Bustle, CNN, The Daily Beast, Food & Wine, and Allure, among others. She's in the process of publishing her memoir, which you can learn more about here.
