Grandparents Who Are Deeply Lonely In Their Lives Often Say These 11 Phrases
Gladskikh Tatiana | ShutterstockAs people get older, experience shifting identities and roles in their lives, and face all the nuances of aging, it’s not surprising that social isolation and loneliness are common. Change can feel uncertain, but grandparents, in particular, can alleviate some of the discomfort by adopting new routines and habits to cope, whether that’s spending time with their grandchildren or building new social circles.
While noticing someone’s loneliness can often be elusive, as it’s often a solitary practice, grandparents who are deeply lonely in their lives often say certain phrases. Whether it’s dismissing their own struggles to avoid letting the dark feelings swamp their social interactions or being hesitant to leave the house, it bubbles up in unexpected, subtle ways.
Grandparents who are deeply lonely in their lives often say these 11 phrases
1. ‘You never call’
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While they might seem harmless and occasionally inconvenient for adult children and grandchildren to make time for, a study from JAMA Psychiatry argues that empathetic phone calls from loved ones can often improve loneliness and isolation for older, aging adults.
While screen time is often discussed in a largely negative way for many, especially in the realm of loneliness, for aging people this connection to their social circles is essential for well-being, especially when they’re missing physical "third spaces" and accessibility.
So, if you notice a grandparent or aging parent in your life regularly bringing up your lack of calls and connection with a phrase like “you never call,” they’re probably not trying to guilt-trip you. They’re lonely and yearning for more connection.
2. ‘I’ll just leave the TV on’
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While passive TV-watching isn’t always the best for cognitive processes and aging, a study from The Gerontologist suggests that it’s a common behavior among older adults to leave a TV on in the background while awake or asleep to cope with loneliness. Especially if they’ve grown up and existed in a busy household with a lot of people, noise, and stimulation, and now have too much quietness to bear, it can mediate their longing for presence in the home.
So, if you always come over to a TV on in another room or a grandparent saying “I’ll just leave the TV on” when they’re going to bed, chances are they’re lonelier than you realize in their lives.
3. ‘I don’t want to be a bother’
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Especially later in life, experiencing separation from loved ones and isolation amid everyday life can often bring up feelings of worry and anxiety that are difficult to manage. To cure the constant stress and emotional turmoil, they have to ask for help and seek out the connection they’re missing, but with the fear of “being a bother,” they’re stuck in a cycle.
As a study from Aging & Mental Health explains, this kind of loneliness and anxiety can urge people to worry about being burdensome to their loved ones by asking for help. Unfortunately, it’s often these vulnerable, humble moments that they need to break the cycle and start meeting their needs through connection with others.
4. ‘No one really needs me anymore’
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When someone’s feeling the belonging that comes from being a parent or the connection of a busy household for most of their lives, experiencing the loneliness that often comes from aging can be entirely destabilizing. Especially when they don’t have the space or accessibility to adopt the role of “grandparent” by watching their grandchildren, the feeling of not being “needed” or “important” anymore can make them feel deeply isolated.
They need more hobbies, relationships, or communities where they can build up this necessary sense of belonging again, but for now, they’re prone to expressing their hurt with kids and families who often take it the wrong way.
5. ‘I’m just talking to myself’
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A Frontiers in Psychology study argues that the more loneliness and isolation someone experiences, the more likely they are to engage in self-talk out loud at home. They’re filling the space and creating the noise they’re missing, even if it ends up becoming a practice that confuses and alarms their kids and friends when they’re together.
Thankfully, there are actually a lot of benefits and rare traits that come from people willing to talk to themselves, whether it’s through an issue or simply appreciating their own company in solitude.
6. ‘I miss hearing your voice’
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Even if it seems like a smaller worry for adult children, loneliness amongst aging individuals is a primary concern for many medical professionals, according to primary care clinician Jeffrey Kullgren. It might be somewhat invisible, but he suggests that it touches every aspect of a person’s life, including their physical and mental health to some extent.
That’s why connecting with their people and building communities is so essential, whether it’s in person or over the phone with loved ones they can’t always see in person. So, if you notice a grandparent saying things like “I miss hearing your voice” or “I haven’t seen you in far too long” in passing, it could be a sign that they’re missing those opportunities to cope with isolation.
7. ‘I miss the good old days’
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While a healthy level of nostalgia and a sentimental attitude can often bolster better friendships and general health for aging individuals, too much can spiral them into a depression that keeps them completely stuck in the past. Whether it’s spending too much time looking back on photos or reflecting on memories that make them feel worse in the moment, you’ll often hear phrases like this one from deeply lonely grandparents.
They’re stuck in the past, and instead of cherishing what they have or had, they’re only thinking about what they’re missing in the current moment. For older individuals, especially once they’ve lost mobility, physical health, or connectedness, the past can feel comforting, but dwelling in it removes their ability to appreciate the “now.”
8. ‘The house gets so quiet’
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While appreciating silence and healthy alone time can ironically help mediate loneliness and isolation amongst older people, according to a Cognitive Therapy and Research study, too much or a negative attitude toward solitude can bring people to a more lonely baseline.
Quietness can bring up all their complex emotions and create overthinking spirals that do their loneliness no favors, which is why they often resort to phone calls, constant company, random errands, and unexpected visits. They’re coping with the quietness that’s become fearful.
9. ‘I’m just keeping myself occupied’
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Like many people, regardless of age, busyness is a distraction and a “coping” mechanism for someone to deal with loneliness and their fear of quietness.
Instead of facing the complex emotions they have, it often feels easier to simply run from them or distract their minds away from complex emotions with mindless entertainment, random errands, and long projects, especially if they don’t have mental health tools, resources, or support.
10. ‘I’m fine, really’
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Instead of asking for help and being open with their feelings, deeply lonely people often feel an urge to suppress and avoid all their complex emotions when they’re finally in the social moments they’ve been yearning for. Especially when there are elements of fear around being a burden or bringing their negative emotions into a space, they hold them all inside at the expense of their health and well-being.
According to a Communications Psychology study, lonely people are also often at a higher risk for experiencing emotional instability and reactivity. So, on top of avoiding their emotions, they’re experiencing different, complex ones at unexpected moments, which can feel like something they want to ignore completely.
11. ‘It’s just me now’
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Even if they have big families and a large social network, if an aging grandparent isn’t appreciating regular conversations and interactions, the mundanity of life can feel incredibly isolating. In some ways, even having those people and knowing they’re out living their lives, while they feel incredibly lonely, can amplify their complex feelings of worry, sadness, and anxiety.
So, if you’ve been avoiding grandparents watching kids or visiting because of a chaotic schedule, let this be your reminder to slow down and show up for them as they’ve shown up for you. Even a night of watching their grandkids and being around family can help mediate the loneliness they feel through the week and amid their daily schedules.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
